Citing additional safety concerns, NASCAR will not allow Earnhardt Jr. to compete Sunday unless his car is completely filled with packing peanuts

LARRYLAND PRESS: After missing two races due to a concussion received at Talladega, Dale Earnhardt Jr. was apparently cleared to compete in this weekend’s Martinsville race, however, apparently Hendrick Motorsports team representatives did not see the “small print to follow, etc, etc” subtitle below the official medical clearance allowing Dale to return to competition this Sunday.

The ‘fine print’ reportedly included a condition to be met, in that Dale would have to drive the #88 during practice, qualifying, and the race as well with the interior of the Hendrick Chevrolet completely filled with Styrofoam packing peanuts, so that he would be entirely encapsulated to the ceiling in shipping materials, in an effort to reduce potential injuries should Dale have another accident.


American Muscle

When Dale Jr. and other team members saw this clause, after it was blown up to a larger size for easier reading with an electron microscope, he reportedly just stood there with something of a blank look on his face, and said, “………………..?……………..”.

The obvious question is how is Dale Jr. supposed to actually see out of the car (especially during race conditions), when he will be completely buried in packing peanuts. However, the clause also makes note of this small problem, and allows Dale the use of a second, third, fourth, and fifth spotter for this event, which instead of simply letting him know when there is someone too close, or alerting him to potential dangers on the track, all five spotters (in addition to his crew chief) will be speaking to him at the exact same time, letting him know when and where to steer, when to hit the brakes, when to hit the gas, when to swerve, when to slow down for cautions, keeping him apprised of vehicle conditions, alerting Dale to any changes and/or new comments on his Facebook page, when and where to pit, acknowledging changes in track or weather conditions, not to mention letting him know exactly where he is on the track at every moment.

Essentially, according to NASCAR mandates, Dale will be guided around the track at race speeds, entirely through voice commands delivered seamlessly by his team of spotters, who are made up of his existing spotter, and joined by two extremely-militant, hard-left-politically feminists, along with two hard-core male National Rifle Association lifetime members. Early reports suggest that the four additional spotters might not be meshing together all that well, but should have most violent disagreements ironed out, and lacerations stitched up by race day.

And in an attempt to court potential corporate sponsor “Rosetta Stone”, Dale will also be taking German language lessons during the race, in addition to doing some in-car, voice-over work for an audio version of his new autobiography, “My Lif’e’s Struggle With My Wrangler Jeans.”

Other drivers are reportedly not too thrilled about this development, and have secretly demanded NASCAR that Dale be covertly moved to an abandoned church parking lot during the opening laps of the race, and then allowed to ‘compete’ for 500 miles, driving blindly in circles until the ‘race’ is over, and Dale quietly moved back on track during the final five laps of the race, simply because that’s when most TV-viewing race fans will be turning back in to the race, anyway.

LarryLand will post any updates to this story as they happen, as this is breaking news.


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9 COMMENTS

  1. Much better than your 1st article on this subject. With a little more practice you may be able to write an article for your Jr. High newspaper.

  2. The guy who wrote this artical is a totally immature jerk, JR had a concussion & was smart enough to know he should have it checked , this guy probablly wouldnt, DUH

  3. This is one of the stupidist articles I have ever read. If this is the type of stories SpeedwayMedia prints, they must be hard up for stories. This will probably be the last time I read SpeedwayMedia and feel a lot more people feel as I do.

  4. Sorry guess I should have reread my post before I posted. I am sorry an article in poor taste like this one should never have been posted

  5. I’m thinking that the people with actual head injuries are the first two that posted comments on this story, and my other story that was pulled, simply because they could not recognize that I was not making fun of head injuries.

    It’s a sad day in America when reading comprehension skills have descended to the point where one has to use only one-syllable words for certain people to be able to understand a story.

    To make this a bit easier to understand…since there are at least four people out there who think I truly enjoy seeing people receive concussions…I am making light of NASCAR’s failure to realize that their current mode of operation, where racing (in their mind, anyway) is artificially-enhanced by packing 43 cars together on a super-speedway, and hoping that at least one ‘big one’ happens, so that NASCAR gets a guaranteed spot on that evening’s highlight reel.

    Dale’s concussion is proof that either the Car Of Some Hideous Alternate Tomorrow isn’t as safe as we’ve been led to believe, or that changes need to be made from the top down, as there are other racing series out there who actually have close, nail-biting competition (V8 Supercar, for example), without having to wipe out 3/4th’s of the field in the process.

    But hey, complain all you like….

  6. To those two who posted before me, I think the packing peanuts you use for brains fell out some time ago. Humor is what we need right now, not some lefties who don’t go along with the 1st amendment, even in humor.

    Speaking of peanuts for brains, the Suits at NA$CAR can’t come up with enough to fill a car. They did nothing for safety until they let Dale Sr. get killed and now they claim all this wonderful stuff. Where were they in 2001?

  7. This piece should have been entitled LaLaLand and then trashed before publishing. You have just fed the trolls over a very serious issue (concussions) and diminished your worth to ground level. How in the world did you get this job?

  8. You are a waste of an internet page! That was the stupidest thing i’ve ever heard. I feel dumber after reading that. remember, don’t smoke that stuff before you write! Idiot

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