Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.
1. William Byron: Byron was running ninth on the final lap before a crash up front cleared the way for the Hendrick driver to win his second straight Daytona 500.
“It’s called ‘Being in the right place at the right time,'” Byron said. “Or, more specifically, ‘Being in the ninth place at the right time.”
2. Tyler Reddick: Reddick finished second after a chaotic finish at the Daytona 500.
“What a race,” Reddick said. “Daytona is easily the most exciting part of the NASCAR season. You could take one lap of the Daytona 500, and that single lap would feature more excitement than the entirety of the NASCAR playoffs. And I’m talking about a caution lap.”
3. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson avoided the chaos at Daytona and finished third in the Daytona 500.
“When you talk about Daytona,” Johnson said, “you have to talk about getting help from other cars. That’s called ‘pushing’ in this business. And nobody knows more about ‘pushing’ that me, because I’m pushing 50.”
4. Chase Briscoe: Briscoe finished fourth in the Daytona 500.
“Four-time Indianapolis 500 winner Helio Castroneves competed in the Daytona 500,” Briscoe said, “driving for Trackhouse Racing. He was knocked out of the race when he was collected by Ross Chastain in a pile-up during a lap 131 restart. Helio can officially call himself a NASCAR driver now, because he was wrecked by Chastain.”
5. John Hunter Nemechek: Nemechek finished fifth in the Daytona 500.
“It appears Kyle Busch is cursed to never win the Daytona 500,” Nemechek said. “And it appeared that wasn’t the extent of the cursing: Kyle had some choice words for Joey Logano. I think that’s great. The Cup series could certainly use a Busch-Logano feud. Heck, the Cup series could use any feud.”
6. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin led on the final lap before a scrap for the lead left Hamlin, Chase Briscoe, Austin Cindric, and Cole Custer spinning, allowing William Byron to steal the win. Hamlin finished 24th.
“My No. 11 Toyota has a new sponsor in National Debt Relief,” Hamlin said. “I think it’s a smart move for us, and for National Debt Relief, because it’s safe to say that 95% of NASCAR fans are in debt. And incidentally, 95% is the interest rate you’ll pay with National Debt Relief.”
7. Alex Bowman: Bowman finished sixth in the Daytona 500.
“Joey Logano experienced some engine trouble when a piece of debris found its way into the car’s throttle body. But his crew was able to remove it and Joey was able to continue. It may be the most notable piece of trash removal from a car since Jeremy Mayfield lost his ride for doing meth.”
8. Austin Cindric: Cindric led 59 laps and was battling for the lead on the final lap before a crash up front dashed his victory chances. Cindric finished eighth.
“It’s really important at Daytona to save fuel,” Cindric said. “So, for a lot of the race, we’re not running at full throttle. So, you could say I made a ‘half-gassed’ attempt to win the 500.”
9. Ryan Blaney: Blaney bounced back from involvement in a lap 185 crash triggered by Joey Logano and Ricky Stenhouse, Jr. to finish seventh in the Daytona 500.
“Ricky Stenhouse, Jr. really screwed the race for a lot of drivers,” Blaney said. “I’m not sure what he was thinking trying to block Joey Logano. It was a dumb decision on Ricky’s part, but not nearly his dumbest—–he voluntarily dated Danica Patrick.”
10. Joey Logano: Logano was strong early at Daytona, and later overcame an engine issue, but saw his victory hopes dashed after contact with Ricky Stenhouse, Jr. knocked him out of the race. Logano finished 35th.
“When it was operating at full strength,” Logano said, “my No. 22 Shell/Hunt Brothers Pizza Ford Mustang was incredibly fast. How fast? Faster than the time between eating Hunt Brothers Pizza and the need to run to the bathroom.”
