Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.
1. Joey Logano: With his spot in the Chase’s next round already locked up, Logano finished fourth at Charlotte, then watched as his Penske teammate went berserk afterwards.
“Sadly,” Logano said, “Kes is going to get stuck with the nickname ‘Spoiled Little Brad.’ Brad’s not one to back down when he thinks he’s been wronged, and if that means crashing his car, he’ll do it. If nothing else, he has ‘scrap mettle.’
“The post-race shenanigans were wild. It looks like my teammate is the bad guy. He really pissed some drivers off. When you say ‘Flair’ in Charlotte, you usually think of ‘Ric,’ not ‘tempers.’”
2. Kevin Harvick: Harvick led 162 laps at Charlotte, and took the field to green on the final restart with two laps remaining. He pulled away from Jeff Gordon and won the Bank Of America 500 and a pass to the third round of the Chase.
“They call me the ‘Closer,’” Harvick said. “They call Gordon the ‘(Can’t Get) Closer.’
“With the win, I moved in to the Chase For The Cup’s round 3. Of course, that took a backseat to some of the post-race events, which looked more like round 1.”
3. Kyle Busch: Busch won the pole at Charlotte and finished fifth in the Bank Of America 500, his second top-five in the last two races. He is second in the points, six out of first.
“I’m in perfect position to advance,” Busch said. “The only thing that can keep me out of the ‘Eliminator’ round is a meltdown on the scale of the one that Brad Keselowski displayed. I’m confident that won’t happen. What worries me is that I know I’m capable of it.”
4. Jeff Gordon: Gordon chased Kevin Harvick to the finish at Charlotte, but didn’t have enough to catch the No. 4. Gordon took second, and needs only a finish of 16th or better at Talladega to advance to the Challenger round.
“What a wild night at Charlotte,” Gordon said. “I think NASCAR needs more races like this. I hear NASCAR is already looking to add a race on a track shaped not like an oval, but an octagon.”
5. Carl Edwards: Edwards finished eighth at Charlotte and now stands fifth in the Sprint Cup points standings, 12 behind Joey Logano.
“I’ve got to hand it to my future teammate Matt Kenseth,” Edwards said. “He really went after Brad Keselowski. From the man who is known for his backflips, that was the best ‘jump’ I’ve seen in awhile.”
6. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth finished 19th after starting 42nd due to what NASCAR called an “unapproved adjustment.” After the race, Brad Keselowski hit Kenseth’s No. 20 as the cars were heading to the garage.
“First of all,” Kenseth said, “NASCAR’s so-called unapproved adjustment was a decal. When I heard we had to go to the back of the field, I experienced a case of ‘sticker shock.’
“Then, Keselowski started playing bumper cars. I won’t stand for that. I’m not a huge social media user, but I felt the need to post Brad’s new Twitter handle, ‘@hole.’”
7. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson pitted on the final caution with seven laps to go, giving up fourth place in the process. He emerged 10th and dropped back to 17th at the checkered flag.
“Obviously,” Johnson, “that wasn’t the right decision. It appeared to be the first of many judgment errors made by drivers at Charlotte Motor Speedway.
“We’ve placed ourselves behind the 8-ball. But we’ll have to scrap for everything at Talladega, and I’m confident we can do it. With the Keselowski-Hamlin-Kenseth dustup in mind, I still have some ‘fight’ left in me.”
8. Kyle Larson: Larson led five laps and looked poised to challenge for the win until he brushed the wall late, throwing off the handling of his No. 42 Target car. He still finished sixth, and has a top-six result in all five Chase races.
“Sure,” Larson said, “the events of Saturday night don’t reflect well on Brad Keselowski. He’s got at least three drivers upset with him. But there’s a positive to everything, and NASCAR drivers are always looking for a new sponsor. The heck with the milk industry, Keselowski should be the poster boy for the new ‘Got Beef?’ ad campaign.”
9. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin finished ninth in the Bank Of America 500, then tangled with Brad Keselowski on the cool-down lap.
“Ironically,” Hamlin said, “I threw a white towel at Keselowski in anger.
“I’m not afraid to tell it like it is. I’m a straight-shooter. Keselowski needs a straightjacket.”
10. (tie): Dale Earnhardt Jr.: Earnhardt suffered a broken shifter handle on lap 137, and the ensuing problems cost him dearly at Charlotte. He finished 20th, and now needs a win at Talladega to advance to the next Chase round.
“Hey,” Earnhardt said. “Shift happens.
“But I know what I have to do. It’s all or nothing at Talladega. I need a huge victory in the worst way. So, contrary to what is standard at Talladega, I welcome the ‘Big One’ at Talladega.”
Brad Keselowski: Keselowski finished 16 in the Bank Of America 500 on a clearly frustrating night in Charlotte. On the cool down lap, Keselowski rammed Denny Hamlin, then hit Matt Kenseth and Tony Stewart. In the garage moments later, Kenseth charged Keselowski, sparking a wild melee.
“It looked like everyone wanted a piece of me,” Keselowski said. “What the heck happened? Did NASCAR just announce a new dispute-settlement philosophy, ‘Boys, have at ‘im?’”
Your power rankings are as fictional as your quotes. Any legit ranking would have Gordon ahead of Busch by a wide margin. Power rankings are the strength of the “team” and Busch’s team couldn’t hold the jockstraps of Gordon’s team!!!