Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.
1. Kevin Harvick: Harvick led 142 of 267 laps in a dominating win at Las Vegas. He now leads the Sprint Cup points standings by 11 over Joey Logano.
“That’s my first win ever at Las Vegas,” Harvick said. “That’s another check mark off my bucket list. Also on my bucket list: having a sponsor that actually sells buckets. Jimmy John’s does, so scratch that one off, too.
“The No. 4 Chevy had a vibration late in the race. It had me a little worried, until I realized it was just my wife Delana’s incessant tweeting.”
2. Joey Logano: Logano finished tenth in the Kobalt Tools 400, posting his third top 10 of the year. He is second in the points standings, 11 behind Kevin Harvick.
“The No. 22 Pennzoil Platinum Fusion was crazy loose all afternoon,” Logano said. “I was fighting the steering wheel all day. My father said he hasn’t seen anything driven that hard since me.”
3. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson finished 41st at Las Vegas, his day derailed by several tire issues, including a flat tire that sent him into the wall.
“I wote a country song about those pesky tires,” Johnson said. “It’s called ‘Rascal Flats.’
“Tires issues seem to be the No. 1 downfall of this team. And that’s left us deflated. When our tires are working properly, we’re unbeatable. Proper inflation gives us an ‘air’ of superiority.”
4. Dale Earnhardt, Jr.: Earnhardt came home fourth in the Kobalt Tools 400, recording his third straight top-5 finish to start the season.
“I used my adjustable track bar quite a bit on Sunday,” Earnhardt said. “I think that’s called ‘giving myself a wedgie.’
“As you know, most track bar adjustments are made by turning a wedge in the rear of the car. That soon may be a thing of the past. But never fear, as long as there are Earnhardt fans, there will always be ‘junk in the trunk.’”
5. Kasey Kahne: Kahne survived a tangle with Carl Edwards to post a 17th at Las Vegas. Edwards sent Kahne into the wall as the two were racing side-by-side after a restart. Later, Kahne got revenge by clipping Edwards, sending the No. 19 sliding down the track and into the wall.
“Carl kindly offered an apology after the race,” Kahne said. “I said, ‘It’s about Time…Warner Cable. And then I gave him ‘Farmer’s Assurance’ that I accepted. Of my retaliation, he said, ‘That was a Great Clip.’ Boom! Sponsor obligations fulfilled.”
6. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth finished ninth at Las Vegas, scoring his second top-10 result of the year.
“I hear Eldora Speedway’s web site was hacked and a message from ISIS was posted,” Kenseth said. “It seems ‘Death To America’ has been replaced with ‘Boogity, boogity, boogity!’ Turns out it was a false call anyway. Apparently, a Stewart rival called him a ‘holy terror.’
“But Tony’s on top of things. He’s demanded his internet security team find the weakness in the web site and fix it, or else! In other words, Tony said to them, ‘You’re IT!”
7. Martin Truex, Jr.: Truex remained hot in 2015, finishing second at Las Vegas for his third consecutive top 10 of the season.
“This Furniture Row squad is a team to be reckoned with,” Truex said. “Of course, we’re a one-car team in a sport dominated by multi-car teams. Look at Hendrick Motorsports, for example. They have four cars, all capable of winning the championship. In Las Vegas, they call Rick Hendrick the “Four Car Stud.”
8. AJ Allmendinger: Allmendinger posted a sixth in the Kobalt Tools 400 at Las Vegas. He is fifth in the points standings, 34 behind Kevin Harvick.
“Some say a JTG Daugherty Racing car looks out of place amongst all the high-dollar, multi-car teams,” Allmendinger said. “That is so not the case, and team co-owner Brad Daugherty knows ‘out of place.’ He’s a corn-fed hillbilly in Las Vegas. That’s out of place.”
9. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin finished fifth at Las Vegas, luckily avoiding major damage when he was caught up in the Kasey Kahne-Carl Edwards skirmish on lap 195. Hamlin is eighth in the points standings, 47 out of first.
“It’s always fun racing in Vegas,” Hamlin said. “I put money on myself to win the race, just say I could say ‘May the bettor man win.’”
10. Jeff Gordon: Gordon won the pole, but was caught up in Danica Patrick’s spin in Saturday practice. Forced into a backup car, Gordon delivered a respectable 18th in Sunday’s Kobalt Tools 400.
“This evokes painful memories for me,” Gordon said. “For the second time in my life, I fell victim to “collection” by an overrated brunette.”
