LARRYLAND PRESS: Researchers studying earmarks for the current farm bill were shocked to discover that NASCAR has been receiving subsidies from the Federal Government since 2007, not to help the beleaguered racing organization stay afloat in the worldwide recession, and protect the jobs of as many people as possible, no, these subsidies, which were hidden deep under ‘crop rotation and preservation’ sub-paragraphs, are paying America’s most prominent race series…to keep fans out of the seats.

Constitutional scholars were up in arms after discovering the pork-barrel boondoggle, calling it the “Grandstand to Nowhere”, and questioning the legality of whether or not taxpayer funds could be used to pay the race organization to keep fans from attending NASCAR races. Race series officials vociferously state environmental and fan goodwill reasons for demanding such subsidies, stating that just like most croplands, “If you over plant butts in seats, why, the seats will be unable to sustain future butt growth, and they’ll eventually just go bad, with no one being able to use the seat within a few years.”

When asked to produce scientific data that would verify that grandstand seats would indeed go bad if you over planted butts in them, the same race series officials quickly waved some shuffled papers back and forth, and said, “our data shows that unless we keep some of the seats empty, and follow agricultural crop rotation techniques, where during one race, anywhere from a few seats, to an entire grandstand section, such as what we did for the grandstand environment at the July 4th Daytona race, if we keep fans out of certain seats one year, and but use them the next year, while keeping a lot of different seats closed, why, the overall health of the seating section will be preserved for years to come, and concerns about the environment can be taken care of at the same time. In addition, just like other crops, if there are too many seats available, the price of the tickets goes down, and with the Government stepping in to buy seats and keeping the prices at a fairly obscene, I mean fair market value, clueless, I mean, excited fans know that they’re not just getting some cheap commodity”

The meeting quickly adjourned, and the officials hustled out of the room before any other reporters could inquire further into the matter.

Legal expert (along with being a rabid Jimmie Johnson fan, and overall NASCAR apologist) Kent L. Preeus, when asked about this subsidy program, replied, “Well, I have been told, by several former friends, that all the empty seats were there simply because NASCAR races have absolutely sucked for the last several years. I knew that there had to be another reason, and who would have known that there might have been an environmentally-good cause to keep those thousands of seats empty during each and every race. I can’t imagine any other reason why there would be so many empty seats, especially at Charlotte Motor Speedway just this last weekend, and therefore, I support NASCAR’s ‘green’ initiative! I mean, just think of the children!”

Mr. Preeus’s ex-wife, when asked about her ex-husband’s comments, replied, “God, is he still watching that stupid ‘racing’ thing on TV? I was okay with him being camped out on the couch on race weekends, and I turned a blind eye to his obsession with NASCAR-themed women’s clothing, but when I caught him sniffing one of Jimmie Johnson’s old pairs of fireproof underwear in the bathroom one day, I promptly left him, and unfortunately got half of his No.48 memorabilia in the divorce…which I quickly hauled off to the local Goodwill…but they didn’t want it…oh, wait, sorry, I didn’t realize the voice recorder was going…oh, yes, this sort of thing is why you can’t trust politicians in Washington.”

Whatever the truth may be, everyone knows that this controversy will not go away, as there are rumors swirling about that the Federal Government may be also subsidizing sponsorship of the cars themselves, to keep the sides of race cars from going “bad” environmentally due to placement of too many sponsor logos on their flanks…