NASCAR Top-10 Power Rankings: Martinsville
[media-credit name=”Brad Keppel” align=”alignright” width=”239″]
[/media-credit]Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.
1. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson started on the pole at Martinsville and captured a huge win, his sixth at the .526-mile track. Johnson passed Brad Keselowski with about 20 laps to go, and held off Kyle Busch down the stretch. He now leads the points standings with a two-point edge over Brad Keselowski.
“I’ll echo the sentiments of Dale Earnhardt, Jr.,” Johnson said. “It’s good to be back in the ‘driver’s seat.’ Up to this point, Keselowski had a lock on the points lead. Well, that lock’s been ‘Jimmied.’”
2. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski opted to stay out on a late caution at Martinsville while the leaders pitted. He was quickly passed by Johnson and others on fresher tires. Still, Keselowski finished sixth, his best career finish at Martinsville, but lost the lead to Jimmie Johnson in the points standings.
“For refusing to play ‘follow the leader,’” Keselowski said, “I was relegated to playing ‘follow the leader.’ I’ve lost my points lead, but not my spirit. Which is good, with it being Halloween. I may need a costume change, since I’ve been posing as a Sprint Cup champion.”
3. Clint Bowyer: Bowyer finished fifth in the Tums Fast Relief 500, leading 154 of 500 laps, second only to Jimmie Johnson’s 193. Bowyer moved up one spot in the point standings, and trails Jimmie Johnson by 26.
“I’ll certainly need a boost,” Bowyer said. “Luckily, as the driver of the 5-Hour Energy car, I’ve got that. Also, 5-Hour Energy helps you avoid the ‘crash,’ of which I’m hoping one will strike at Texas.”
4. Denny Hamlin: Disaster struck at Martinsville for Hamlin, as electrical issues ruined his chances in the Tums Fast Relief 500, and likely the Cup championship. He finished 33rd, 34 laps down, and is now 49 points out of the lead in the point standings.
“I got ‘clocked’ at Kansas,” Hamlin said. “I was hoping for the same at Martinsville by winning and receiving the grandfather clock trophy. As it was, I did get a clock, albeit one that struck midnight, which is obviously not our ‘time.’”
5. Kasey Kahne: Kahne finished third at Martinsville, posting his 11th top-5 finish of the year. He is up to fourth in the point standings, and is still alive in the Chase For The Cup, albeit as a decided long shot.
“I’m having a great Chase run,” Kahne said. “Not good enough to win this year’s Cup, but good enough to be the favorite for next year’s Cup. That’s not really a position I want to be in. I don’t want to be ‘next year’s Carl Edwards,’ or any year’s Carl Edwards, for that matter.”
6. Jeff Gordon: Gordon led 92 laps and finished seventh at Martinsville, as three Hendrick cars finished in the top 7. Gordon is now sixth in the point standings, 54 out of first.
“It’s good to run up front again,” Gordon said. “For several laps near the end, I was running second to Jimmie Johnson, which is also known as running ‘interference.’”
7. Kyle Busch: Busch chased Jimmie Johnson to the finish line at Martinsville, but couldn’t get close enough for the pass and settled for second. It was Busch’s fourth top-5 finish of the Chase.
“I’m usually good in the Chase,” Busch said, “unless I qualify for it.”
8. Martin Truex, Jr.: Truex struggled at Martinsville, finishing 23rd, one lap down. He is seventh in the point standings, 63 out of first.
“We know what we have to do in the last three races,” Truex said. “How do we know? Because, in a winless season, it’s the exact opposite of what we’ve done in the first 33 races.”
9. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth finished 14th in the Tums Fast Relief 500. He is eighth in the Sprint Cup point standings, 65 behind Jimmie Johnson.
“I’ve got three more races with Roush Fenway,” Kenseth said. “Hopefully, I can win one or more of those three contest. Or, I could, like many other drivers this year, announce that my wife and I are expecting another child. Either way, I would go out with a bang.”
10. Greg Biffle: Biffle was the only Roush Fenway driver in the top 10 at Martinsville, his tenth besting the 14th of Matt Kenseth and 18th of Carl Edwards. Biffle is ninth in the point standings, 69 out of first.
“It’s been a tough year for Jack Roush,” Biffle said, “one that may require him to go back to the drawing board. For the man they call ‘The Cat In The Hat,’ I’m sure it won’t be difficult to find a ‘thinking cap.’”
NASCAR to take draconian Anti-Zombie-Invasion steps for 2013 season, all fans to be given shotguns at tracks
LARRYLAND PRESS: Given that NASCAR is late coming onto the “zombie apocalypse” bandwagon, it comes to no surprise that it will be announced October 31st, that NASCAR will team up with the Remington and Winchester firearms companies for the 2013 Sprint Cup season and beyond, and that at all points-races, every fan in attendance will each receive a free double-barrel shotgun and four boxes of buckshot ammunition, just in case the zombie apocalypse occurs during one or more of the thirty-six stops on the NASCAR tour.
Called the “Sit and Shoot If It Moves!” campaign, all three companies look to boost their public image, and NASCAR definitely looks to improve track attendance, with president Mike Helton predicting at least seven million fans showing up at each race, all fighting for a seat at the tracks in question:
“Yeah, with the opportunity for every man, woman, child, and newborn in attendance to receive either a Winchester or Remington double-barrel shotgun and ammo at each race, with the added bonus of being able to get a total of thirty-six shotguns over the 2013 season, and more if you bring your entire family, even if the hopefully-unthinkable happens, and the world descends into chaos, with zombies taking over the Earth, we’re hoping that the survivors of the undead remember NASCAR and its associate sponsors fondly, and continue doing business with us in the future…no matter how dark it is.”
Track attendants not only have this boon to look forward to, but in addition to the several million free shooting irons being given away at every race, Jack Daniels has signed up with NASCAR to give away one free bottle of its trademark whiskey to every race-attending fan that at least kind-of looks like they are somewhat vaguely somewhere around the age of 21.
When asked about this new shotgun giveaway program that will be instituted by NASCAR, the response from several anti-gun legislation groups was synonymous:
“…….are you s**tting me???……” was pretty much the standard reply.
Judging by the success of several zombie-styled advertising campaigns, and coming on the heels of news that the US military would be holding a mock “zombie invasion” drill in San Diego, NASCAR president Helton just felt that he needed to do something:
“I felt that I needed to do something.”
When asked about the ability for fans to maintain order during these races, given the heated feelings between some of the fan groups in the stands, Helton suggests that such worries are unfounded.
“We can depend upon all of our loyal fans to not take this opportunity to settle ‘scores’, especially given how dangerous the threat of a zombie apocalypse is. However, to take additional steps which will help ensure that fans are not presented with the ‘opportunity’ to unleash ill will upon others at the track, especially with the possibility of there being hundreds of thousands of rounds of ammunition that could be fired at once, it is hereby announced that no single Hendrick Racing car will be allowed to win more than two races in a row, and Jeff Gordon will be allowed to wear body armor, just in case.”
It should be noted that the All-Star event, a non-points race midway through the season, will not be part of this marketing campaign: That race will be sponsored by the Louisville Slugger ball-bat company, and fitness guru Richard Simmons, with each track attendant receiving a free Louisville Slugger to combat the slow-moving undead, along with a copy of Simmons’ new book, “Kill the Undead While On Your Way to a New You!” The “Three Strikes!” campaign will be unveiled shortly after Thanksgiving.
One more rules change was passed down, right before this story went to print:
All 2013 NASCAR competition vehicles will be equipped, and/or reinforced to withstand zombie strikes, in case zombies wander onto the track during an event, and the fans are subdued by the undead invaders. The two tracks that NASCAR officials expressed serious concern about were Daytona and Talladega, with the race entries being able to handle plowing through a massed crowd of several hundred zombies at 200 mp….and the race still be able to continue.
