Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.
1. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson’s No. 48 Chevrolet was damaged when he went three-wide early in the Quicken Loans 400. The consequences cost Johnson track position and he eventually finished 19th after battling his way back for the remainder of the race.
“You heard right,” Johnson said. “I went three-wide. That’s something the average NASCAR fan can’t relate to. But they can come close because the average NASCAR fan can certainly relate to going ‘double-wide.’”
2. Kevin Harvick: Harvick led 63 laps at Michigan, but his day was derailed by tire troubles that left him with a 29th-place finish, his worst result of the year. He leads the Sprint Cup points standings by 15 over Martin Truex Jr.
“Hey,” Harvick said, “finishing 29th isn’t all that bad. ‘29’ was my car number at Richard Childress Racing. And finishing 29th reminded me why I left RCR in the first place.”
3. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex took third in the Quicken Loans 400, posting his series-best 14th top-10 of the year. He trails Kevin Harvick by 15 in the points standings.
“Rain interrupted Sunday’s race four times,” Truex said. “In fact, there were so many water ‘breaks,’ it reminded me of pregnant NASCAR wives.”
4. Dale Earnhardt Jr.: Earnhardt finished second at Michigan, tops among Hendrick Motorsports drivers. He is fourth in the points standings, 68 out of first.
“The No. 88 Chevy was sponsored by Amp Energy’s new ‘Passion Fruit’ flavor,” Earnhardt said. “I’m not sure that flavor appeals to the good people of Junior Nation. If there’s a fruit they’re passionate about, it better be in the form of schnapps.”
5. Joey Logano: Logano placed fifth in the Quicken Loan 400, posting his eighth top-five finish of the year.
“How did Kurt Busch pull out the win?” Logano said. “The rain came at precisely the right moment. And all this time I thought he was trying to get the dark cloud away from him.”
6. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski finished sixth at Michigan, joining Penske Racing teammate Joey Logano, who finished fifth, in the top 10.
“Logano won at Daytona,” Keselowski said, “and I won at California. And Penske hasn’t won since. You could say we’re just ‘coasting.’”
7. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth took fourth at Michigan, scoring his sixth top-five result of the season.
“My son, Ross, got his first win in the ARCA racing series on Friday night,” Kenseth said. “Obviously, talent runs in the family. There are a lot of drivers who’ll argue that I’m the only thing that ‘runs’ in the family.”
8. Kurt Busch: Kurt Busch won the rain-shortened Quicken Loans 400 at Michigan, taking the lead when Kyle Larson was forced to pit for fuel. A downpour ensued, and Busch had his second win of the year.
“I won today,” Busch said. “That means I have a checkered present to go along with my checkered past.”
9. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin finished 11th at Michigan after starting 13th on the grid.
“Congratulations to Kurt Busch,” Hamlin said. “After two wins this season, he must feel vindicated. Especially now that the feds are investigating his former girlfriend Patricia Driscoll. Apparently, her most covert operation may have been her accounting.”
10. Jamie McMurray: McMurray finished seventh in the Quicken Loans 400, scoring his third consecutive seventh-place finish.
“I feel for Kyle Larson,” McMurray said. “He deserved the win, but the rain, or lack thereof, cost him. If the weather were as predictable as racing itself, Larson would have had the win.”
