Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.
1. Kyle Busch: Busch suffered from a loose wheel early in the race before picking his way back into the top 5 at Bristol. But a late pit road speeding penalty cost him a chance at the win, finishing eighth.
“It was still a strong day for Joe Gibbs Racing,” Busch said. “JGR went 1-2-3-4 in qualifying and place three cars in the top 10. That’s quite a stable Joe’s got right now. Take my brother Kyle and myself at our worse, and you’ve got yourself an ‘unstable.’”
2. Kevin Harvick: Harvick chased Joey Logano over the final laps at Bristol, but Logano’s No. 22 Penske machine was just too strong. Harvick settled for second, his second-consecutive runner-up finish and 11th of the season.
“We certainly weren’t helped by two pit road speeding penalties,” Harvick said. “At 30 miles per hour, a drive-through penalty is brutal. At that speed, Bristol’s pit road is much like Kyle Petty’s ponytail—long and grey.”
3. Joey Logano: Logano won his second straight Bristol night race, holding off Kevin Harvick over the final laps to win the Irwin Tools Night Race.
“I knew I couldn’t make a mistake with Harvick behind me,” Logano said. “Obviously, this Penske driver reacts a little better from a push from Harvick.”
4. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth blew an engine early at Bristol, spoiling an otherwise solid day for Joe Gibbs Racing.
“Did this Toyota engine come from Michael Waltrip Racing?” Kenseth said, “because it just quit on me.”
5. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson was solid at Bristol, finishing fourth for his first top-five result since a second at Daytona in July.
“With six Sprint Cup championships,” Johnson said, “I obviously have the look of a champion. Now, with the new fragrance ‘Burnt Rubber,’ anyone can smell like a champion. And if you have the nerve to go to the fragrance counter and ask for Burnt Rubber, then you certainly won’t be phased by extreme speeds. Just make sure you ask for ‘Burnt Rubber’ by name, lest you may end up with the Jeremy Mayfield knockoff brand, ‘Speed In A Bottle.’”
6. Dale Earnhardt Jr.: Earnhardt took advantage of two “Lucky Dog” free passes and recorded a ninth-place finish at Bristol. He is third in the Sprint Cup points standings, 89 out of first.
“Danica Patrick has a new sponsor in Nature’s Bakery,’” Earnhardt said. “Now people can finally say she’s got ‘natural’ talent and actually believe it.”
7. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski led four laps and finished sixth in the Irwin Tools Night Race as Penske Racing teammate Joey Logano captured the win.
“Logano showed a load of maturity holding off Harvick,” Keselowski said. “That gives Joey three wins this season. I have only one. I guess we know who wears the firesuit on this team.”
8. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex suffered from a collection of misfortune at Bristol and finished 28th at Bristol, five laps down.
“They call Bristol Motor Speedway ‘The Last Great Colosseum,’” Truex said. “I guess that means the drivers are gladiators. Instead of fighting to the death, fans in the stands are bored to death.”
9. Carl Edwards: Edwards led 74 laps at Bristol and was out front on lap 355 when he suffered a flat tire. He still managed a seventh-place finish, joining Joe Gibbs Racing teammates Denny Hamlin and Kyle Busch in the top 10.
“A flat tire while leading is the very definition of ‘untimely,’” Edwards said. “What is the very definition of ‘timely?’ Leaving Roush Fenway Racing when I did. Jack Roush may be the ‘Cat In The Hat,’ and chances are he owns the ‘Car In The Rear.’”
10. Kurt Busch: Busch finished 14th, one lap down, at Bristol, after damaging his car in an incident with David Ragan.
“What do you expect from a Michael Waltrip Racing driver?” Busch said. “Ragan was driving like there was no tomorrow.
“I guess you’ve heard that MWR released Clint Bowyer from his contract. And I think I’m qualified to announce that Bowyer is not a secret agent, but a free agent.”