Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.
1. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished fifth in the STP 500, posting his fourth top five of the year.
“If there’s one thing we learned at Martinsville,” Harvick said, “it’s that Clint Bowyer loves beer. And he really wanted a beer after the race, but he didn’t have one. So, Clint had a ‘drinking problem.’ And that’s why fans love Clint Bowyer because he’s just like them.”
2. Kyle Busch: Busch finished second at Martinsville and is still winless on the year. However, Busch took over the top spot in the Monster Energy Cup points standings.
“Did you see the Stormy Daniels’ interview on 60 Minutes?” Busch said. “I didn’t. I just chalked it up to another missed interview.”
3. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex took fourth in the STP 500 at Martinsville and is second in the points standings, eight out of first.
“Stewart-Haas Racing looks like a powerhouse team right now,” Truex said. “Does their performance have something to do with the absence of Tony Stewart? Many think so. It seems that once you get rid of the ‘mo fo,’ you get your ‘mo jo.'”
4. Joey Logano: Logano took sixth at Martinsville for his fifth top five of the season.
“The race was postponed until Monday because of snow,” Logano said. “If Tim Richmond were alive to see a race delayed because of a white powder, he would no doubt have said, ‘That blows.'”
5. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski started fourth and finished 10th at Martinsville.
“It’s not often you can look into the stands at Martinsville and see snow,” Keselowski said. “Actually, that’s not true. You can look into the stands anytime and see all-white.”
6. Clint Bowyer: Bowyer led 215 laps and won at Martinsville, snapping a 190-race winless streak.
“Did you see my victory burnout,” Bowyer said. “It’s great to be able to intentionally spin and not be penalized.”
7. Kyle Larson: Larson finished 16th at Martinsville and is now ninth in the Monster Energy points standings, 61 out of first.
“I’m curious as to what Clint Bowyer is going to do with his grandfather clock,” Larson said. “I imagine that anytime that clock strikes ’12,’ it’s going to be ‘beer o’clock’ for him.”
8. Ryan Blaney: Blaney led 145 laps and finished third at Martinsville.
“Martinsville is famous for its hot dogs,” Blaney said. “I’m guessing that at November’s NASCAR awards banquet, the Martinsville hot dog will win the award for ‘Weiner Of The Year,’ edging out Austin Dillon and Joey Logano.”
9. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin won Stage 1 at Martinsville and finished 12th in the STP 500.
“I had a spirited battle with Kevin Harvick in the closing laps,” Hamlin said. “He had bumped me earlier, so I was just returning the favor. Then he brake-checked me. Now, I’m pissed. But I don’t think Harvick wants any part of me. How do I know? Because he told me to meet him in Victory Lane, and he knows I probably won’t be there.”
10. Kurt Busch: Busch finished 11th at Martinsville, as all four Stewart-Haas Racing cars finished in the top 14.
“My brother Kyle has three runner-up finishes this year,” Busch said, “but not a single victory. And he’s so frustrated. So, just to antagonize him this Sunday, I’m gonna dress as the Easter Bunny, tell Kyle to look in the win column, and see if he can find the ‘goose eggs.'”