Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.
1. Kevin Harvick: Harvick battled for the win late at Talladega before finishing 10th.
“What a wild finish,” Harvick said. “That last lap was unforgettable, even for Tyler Reddick.”
2. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin brushed the wall early but battled his way back to contention and finished 4th in the Geico 500.
“Hopefully,” Hamlin said, “my feud with Corey LaJoie is settled. You know, I was thinking. Corey’s last name has all of the vowels except ‘U.’ His last name also has only two consonants. ‘L’ is one of them, and ‘W’ is definitely not one of them.”
3. Joey Logano: Logano finished 16th in the Geico 500 and is second in the points standings, 23 behind Kevin Harvick.
“Penske Racing definitely had the best cars out there,” Logano said. “Especially Ryan Blaney’s. Ryan cut through the field like a knife through hot butter. And speaking of ‘hot butter,’ that’s a perfect nickname for Ryan, and goes hand in hand with ‘Sliced Bread.’ And when you put ‘Hot Butter’ on ‘Sliced Bread’, you get a sandwich we call a ‘Bread Keselowski.'”
4. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski finished 19th at Talladega.
“One of my sponsors was ‘Dent Wizard,” Keselwoski said. “No, that’s not Harry Potter’s mechanic, but is in fact the leader in paintless dent repair. Now, if you’re looking for ‘pantless‘ dent repair, it’s next door to the topless car wash.”
5. Chase Elliott: Elliott spun with 55 laps to go after getting caught between the cars of Penske Racing’s Joey Logano and Brad Keselowski. The resulting damage ended Elliott’s day and he finished 38th.
“Joey and I just can’t seem to stay out of each other’s way,” Elliott said. “Honestly, I don’t want to be around him, and I’m sure he doesn’t want to be around me. So, we should just let ‘Be gone’s’ be ‘Be gone’s.'”
6. Ryan Blaney: Blaney’s No. 12 Chevy was fast at Talladega, and a dynamic late charge gave him the win in the Geico 500, his second consecutive win at Talladega.
“I literally won by a nose,” Blaney said. “And speaking of ‘noses,’ it doesn’t take much of one to sense that something stinks to high heaven in the NASCAR garage.”
7. Alex Bowman: Bowman finished 7th at Talladega, posting his third top-10 result of the season.
“NASCAR no longer wants to see Confederate flags flying,” Bowman said. “And, by virtue of these new Talladega aero rules, they don’t want to see Ryan Newman flying either.”
8. Martin Truex, Jr.: Truex finished 23rd at Talladega.
“Five thousand fans were in attendance at Talladega,” Truex said. “At a track the size of Talladega, there was plenty of space between the fans. I’m not sure if you can get more ‘socially-distant’ than that, unless you’re Brian France after a DUI.”
9. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson spun with 3 laps to go after contact with Kevin Harvick but scrambled to salvage a 13th at Talladega.
“Thanks go to Geico for their continued sponsorship at Talladega,” Johnson said. “That Geico gecko is a really cool mascot. Here’s my favorite Geico joke: what’s it called when Geico’s online functionality suffers technical difficulties? ‘E-reptile dysfunction.'”
10. Kyle Busch: Busch suffered a flat tire with 39 laps to go, forcing a pit stop that ended his chances of a win. He finished 32nd and is now 9th in the points standings.
“You probably saw the plane pulling the banner that had a Confederate flag and the words ‘Defund NASCAR,'” Busch said. “Maybe that banner should have been the Confederate flag followed by the words ‘Defunct.'”
