Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.
1. Joey Logano: Logano started on the pole at Phoenix and dominated on his way to the Cup championship, the second of his career.
“I’m the champion,” Logano said. “Or, you can just call me driver ‘1A.’ All the other championship-round drivers? They are not ‘1A.’ And judging by their championship aspirations, they were also not ‘2B.'”
2. Ross Chastain: Chastain started 25th and finished third at Phoenix, just coming up short as Joey Logano won the race and championship.
“I still consider this season a success,” Chastain said. “Maybe I didn’t win the title, but the word ‘Chastaining’ will forever be in the racing lexicon.”
3. Ryan Blaney: Blaney led 109 laps and finished second at Phoenix, completing the 2022 season without a win.
“I honestly don’t know how to explain to someone why we couldn’t manage a single win,” Blaney said. “I mean, I could try, but my feeling is it would be a no-win situation.”
4. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin finished eighth at Phoenix, posting his 16th top 10 of the season.
“It was weird for me not racing for the championship,” Hamlin said. “It wasn’t weird for me not winning the championship.”
5. William Byron: Byron finished sixth at Phoenix.
“I’m pleased with my finish,” Byron said. “No, it’s not a win, but it is a bit of momentum heading into next season. And I’m sure we could maintain that momentum if the Daytona 500 was tomorrow, and not three months from now.”
6. Chase Elliott: Elliott’s championship hopes were shattered when he spun on a final stage restart, with a little help from Ross Chastain. Elliott fell a lap down and never recovered, finishing 28th.
“I’m devastated,” Elliott said. “But I’m not looking for anyone’s sympathy or charity. And speaking of ‘charity,’ Chastain’s ‘helped’ a lot of people this season.”
7. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished fifth at Phoenix.
“Congratulations to Joey Logano,” Harvick said. “And congratulations to the Xfinity and Truck champs, Ty Gibbs and Zane Smith, respectively. I hear Gibbs might be the next big thing in the Cup series. And by ‘thing,’ I mean ‘douchebag.'”
8. Christopher Bell: Bell suffered a horrible pit stop with less than 35 laps to go, which cost him several spots to Joey Logano and Ross Chastain. Bell wasn’t able to make his way to the front and finished a disappointing 10th.
“My pit crew member got his finger stuck between the nut and the spindle,” Bell said. “That has to be incredibly painful. Still, I’m not sure who it hurt worse, me or him?”
9. Kyle Larson: Larson finished ninth at Phoenix.
“Tough break for my Hendrick Motorsports teammate Chase Elliott,” Larson said. “I’m sure it was unexpected when contact with Ross Chastain sent Chase for a spin. Of course, anytime Chase gets spun, it’s unexpected unless it’s me doing it. He’s come to expect that.”
10. Chase Briscoe: Briscoe came home fourth at Phoenix, registering his sixth top-five of the season.
“Seeing Joey Logano win the championship makes me hungry to work harder for a championship I can call my own,” Briscoe said. “Tony Stewart also said seeing Logano made him hungry, mostly because Joey’s nickname is ‘Sliced Bread.’ Tony also wished there was a driver nicknamed ‘Sandwich Meat.'”