Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.
1. Kevin Harvick: Harvick was clearly the class of the field at Las Vegas, winning Stages 1 and 2 and leading 214 laps in winning the Pennzoil 400, his second consecutive victory.
“I was untouchable,” Harvick said. “The field didn’t have anything for me, except inferiority. And I’ve led 395 of 592 laps over the last two races, which should give me the award for ‘best lead actor in a series.'”
2. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski finished sixth in the Pennzoil 400, as Penske Racing placed two drivers in the top 10.
“Harvick’s No. 4 Jimmy Johns Ford was indeed ‘Freaky Fast,'” Keselowski said. “He was like Superman out there. And the NRA claims he was faster than a speeding bullet.”
3. Joey Logano: Logano led 25 laps and finished seventh in the Pennzoil 400.
“Kevin Harvick’s dominance made for a very boring race,” Logano said. ‘In the place often called the ‘City That Never Sleeps,’ it was the ‘Race That Put You to Sleep.'”
4. Ryan Blaney: Blaney started on the pole and finished fifth at Las Vegas.
“Kevin Harvick drove with surgical precision,” Blaney said. “In other words, he put on a clinic out there.”
5. Kyle Larson: Larson finished third at Las Vegas, posting his second consecutive top-10 result. He jumped eight places in the points standings to fifth, where he trails Kevin Harvick by 31 points.
“NASCAR viewership is down from last year,” Larson said. “Not many people are watching. So, if you gave viewership a letter grade, it would be a ‘See minus.'”
6. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex posted his second straight top five with a fourth in the Pennzoil 400.
“Las Vegas is a playoff track this year,” Truex said. “So, we made observations, took notes, and came to the conclusion that Kevin Harvick has advanced to the second round of the Chase For The Cup.”
7. Kyle Busch: Busch finished second in the Pennzoil 400 and is now tied for fifth in the Monster Energy Cup points standings, 104 out of first.
“Nothing sucks more than losing to Kevin Harvick,” Busch said. “Except losing to Harvick badly. Brad Keselowski would call Harvick beating me in such fashion an ‘ass whupping.'”
8. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin finished 17th at Las Vegas and is now eighth in the points standings, 38 out of first.
“Okay,” Hamlin said, “so maybe saying 70 percent of NASCAR drivers are taking Adderall is a bit much. But that won’t stop me from saying that 100 percent of drivers in Vegas are on something because they’re all ‘high rollers.'”
9. Austin Dillon: Dillon finished 13th at Las Vegas and is 10th in the points standings.
“This race was nowhere near as exciting as my Daytona 500 win,” Dillon said. “Both myself and my Richard Childress Racing teammate Ryan Newman finished a lap down to Kevin Harvick. It appears that, once again, Harvick has left RCR in the dust.”
10. Paul Menard: Menard started 12th and finished ninth at Las Vegas.
“What’s up with Jimmie Johnson?” Menard said. “He’s struggling. At this rate, he’s going to end his career with only seven Cup championships.”
