Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.
1. William Byron: Byron finished third in a thrilling, three-wide, side-by-side finish at Talladega as Ricky Stenhouse, Jr. grabbed the win.
“More importantly,” Byron said, “I’ve already clinched a spot in the Round Of 8. So, Talladega truly was a ‘Big One’ at least for me.”
2. Christopher Bell: Bell finished sixth in the Yellawood 500.
“Saturday’s Xfinity Series was broadcast on the CW,” Bell said. “From what I hear, ‘CW’ stands for ‘Can’t watch.'”
3. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski finished second at Talladega, just edged out at the finish line by Ricky Stenhouse, Jr.
“I thought I had a clear path to the win,” Keselowski said. “Not at the finish, but five laps before when I triggered a huge crash that wiped out over half the competition. So now, I’m car driver No. 2, as well as public enemy No. 1.”
4. Alex Bowman: Bowman finished 16th at Talladega.
“NASCAR made several aerodynamic changes for the Talladega race,” Bowman said. “The purpose was to reduce the possibility of a car going airborne in the event of a high-speed incident. I was actually more worried about myself going airborne when Ryan Blaney could have rightfully jacked me up for wrecking him.”
5. Kyle Larson: Larson finished fourth at Talladega.
“Cody Ware’s No. 15 car featured Arby’s sponsorship,” Larson said. “Arby’s likes to say ‘They have the beef.’ And they might, but not more beef that the drivers who were wrecked towards the drivers responsible.”
6. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin finished 10th at Talladega.
“I’m trying to win a championship and win a lawsuit against NASCAR,” Hamlin said. “History says I’ll go 0-2.”
7. Ricky Stenhouse, Jr.: Stenhouse was the victor in a photo finish, edging Brad Keselowski and William Byron by .006 of a second at the finish line to win the Yellawood 500.
“Some of the best moments of my life have come at superspeedways,” Stenhouse said. “And they’ve only been topped by the best moment of my life—-breaking up with Danica Patrick.”
8. Joey Logano: Logano finished 33rd at Talladega and is ninth in the points standings with an elimination race at Charlotte’s ROVAL upcoming.
“It was just a miserable day for Penske Racing all around,” Logano said. “What can you do though? If other drivers weren’t so reckless, we could have made it through the race ‘wreck-less.'”
9. Chase Elliott: Elliott finished 29th at Talladega after being collected in a massive crash with five laps to go that affected 23 cars.
“It’s a critical stretch in the playoffs,” Elliott said. “After Talladega, we’re off to Charlotte’s ROVAL for an elimination race. Suffice it to say our nerves are already eliminated.
10. Ryan Blaney: Blaney started fifth at Talladega and finished 39th after crashing out 124 laps in.
“I just got too much of a push from Alex Bowman,” Blaney said. “I’m really not happy, but Alex should be happy that push didn’t come to shove.”
