LARRYLAND PRESS: Given that NASCAR is late coming onto the “zombie apocalypse” bandwagon, it comes to no surprise that it will be announced October 31st, that NASCAR will team up with the Remington and Winchester firearms companies for the 2013 Sprint Cup season and beyond, and that at all points-races, every fan in attendance will each receive a free double-barrel shotgun and four boxes of buckshot ammunition, just in case the zombie apocalypse occurs during one or more of the thirty-six stops on the NASCAR tour.
Called the “Sit and Shoot If It Moves!” campaign, all three companies look to boost their public image, and NASCAR definitely looks to improve track attendance, with president Mike Helton predicting at least seven million fans showing up at each race, all fighting for a seat at the tracks in question:
“Yeah, with the opportunity for every man, woman, child, and newborn in attendance to receive either a Winchester or Remington double-barrel shotgun and ammo at each race, with the added bonus of being able to get a total of thirty-six shotguns over the 2013 season, and more if you bring your entire family, even if the hopefully-unthinkable happens, and the world descends into chaos, with zombies taking over the Earth, we’re hoping that the survivors of the undead remember NASCAR and its associate sponsors fondly, and continue doing business with us in the future…no matter how dark it is.”
Track attendants not only have this boon to look forward to, but in addition to the several million free shooting irons being given away at every race, Jack Daniels has signed up with NASCAR to give away one free bottle of its trademark whiskey to every race-attending fan that at least kind-of looks like they are somewhat vaguely somewhere around the age of 21.
When asked about this new shotgun giveaway program that will be instituted by NASCAR, the response from several anti-gun legislation groups was synonymous:
“…….are you s**tting me???……” was pretty much the standard reply.
Judging by the success of several zombie-styled advertising campaigns, and coming on the heels of news that the US military would be holding a mock “zombie invasion” drill in San Diego, NASCAR president Helton just felt that he needed to do something:
“I felt that I needed to do something.”
When asked about the ability for fans to maintain order during these races, given the heated feelings between some of the fan groups in the stands, Helton suggests that such worries are unfounded.
“We can depend upon all of our loyal fans to not take this opportunity to settle ‘scores’, especially given how dangerous the threat of a zombie apocalypse is. However, to take additional steps which will help ensure that fans are not presented with the ‘opportunity’ to unleash ill will upon others at the track, especially with the possibility of there being hundreds of thousands of rounds of ammunition that could be fired at once, it is hereby announced that no single Hendrick Racing car will be allowed to win more than two races in a row, and Jeff Gordon will be allowed to wear body armor, just in case.”
It should be noted that the All-Star event, a non-points race midway through the season, will not be part of this marketing campaign: That race will be sponsored by the Louisville Slugger ball-bat company, and fitness guru Richard Simmons, with each track attendant receiving a free Louisville Slugger to combat the slow-moving undead, along with a copy of Simmons’ new book, “Kill the Undead While On Your Way to a New You!” The “Three Strikes!” campaign will be unveiled shortly after Thanksgiving.
One more rules change was passed down, right before this story went to print:
All 2013 NASCAR competition vehicles will be equipped, and/or reinforced to withstand zombie strikes, in case zombies wander onto the track during an event, and the fans are subdued by the undead invaders. The two tracks that NASCAR officials expressed serious concern about were Daytona and Talladega, with the race entries being able to handle plowing through a massed crowd of several hundred zombies at 200 mp….and the race still be able to continue.
