Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.
1. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson’s gamble in the pits paid off and he captured his second win of the year, winning the SpongeBob SquarePants 400 at Kansas.
“We stayed out to win it,” Johnson said. “It’s too bad no one stayed up to see it.
“I called my wife Chandra after the race, but accidentally Face-timed her. She wasn’t too happy about that, and I’m not sure she’ll ever forgive me. But I’m hoping. Let’s just say we both seriously need some ‘make up.’”
2. Kevin Harvick: Harvick chased Jimmie Johnson to the finish line at Kansas but was unable to catch him, instead settling for the runner-up finish, his sixth second-place finish of the year.
“Johnson edged me by less than a second,” Harvick said. “For a race that lasted well past sundown, it was a true ‘Nick At Night.’”
3. Dale Earnhardt Jr.: Earnhardt came home third in the SpongeBob SquarePants 400, as the Hendrick Motorsports drivers took three of the top 4 spots, with Jimmie Johnson capturing the win.
“Hendrick has flexed its muscles in the last two weeks,” Earnhardt said. “Our engines are a direct reflection of Rick Hendrick because the engines, much like Rick, are ‘loaded.'”
4. Joey Logano: Logano started on the pole at Kansas and finished fifth in the SpongeBob SquarePants 400. He is fourth in the Sprint Cup points standings, 62 out of first.
“Even though I didn’t win,” Logano said, “I had a great time racing in the SpongeBob SquarePants 400. It was the closest thing to childhood I’ve ever experienced.”
5. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex pitted for fuel only during the race’s final caution, a decision that made him vulnerable to cars behind him with fresh tires. Truex still finished ninth, earning his 10th top-10 of the year.
“We had a car capable of winning,” Truex said. “We led a race-high 95 laps, but lost the lead after a mistake in the pits. One would think that in a car sponsored by Furniture Row, we’d be able to ‘sit’ on a lead. But it was not to be, and I can’t ‘couch’ my disappointment. Now my detractors will continue to say I can’t win a race, a criticism that a victory would surely put to bed.”
6. Kurt Busch: Busch took eighth at Kansas, posting his third top-10 of the year.
“I’ve got a lot in common with SpongeBob SquarePants,” Busch said. “We both have a teammate named ‘Patrick,’ and neither ‘Patrick’ has won a Sprint Cup race.”
7. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski finished seventh in the SpongeBob SquarePants 400, scoring his seventh top-10 of the year.
“First the ‘SpongeBob SquarePants 400,” Keselowski said. “What’s next? The ‘Adventure Time 500?’ If that’s the case, the race will air on the ‘Car Tune Network.’”
8. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth finished sixth at Kansas, posting his sixth top-10 result of the year. He is seventh in the points standings, 106 out of first.
“It was an otherwise disappointing day for Joe Gibbs Racing,” Kenseth said. “Carl Edwards had the next best finish with a 20th. Carl has only one top-10 finish this year. I think Joe Gibbs has second thoughts about hiring him. With Carl in mind, if there’s one thing Joe would like to see ‘flipped,’ it’s the script.”
9. Jamie McMurray: McMurray finished 13 at Kansas in the rain-delayed SpongeBob SquarePants 400.
“Ricky Stenhouse Jr.’s spin brought out the last caution,” McMurray said. “In SpongeBob speak, that’s called going ‘Skidward.’”
10. Aric Almirola: Almirola finished 11th at Kansas and is now 11th in the points standings, 125 out of first.
“What do you know?” Almirola said. “The SpongeBob SquarePants 400, a sea-themed NASCAR race. I’ve heard of ‘mussel’ cars, but this is ridiculous!”
