Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.
1. Jeff Gordon: Gordon finished sixth at Phoenix in the rain-shortened Quicken Loans Race For Heroes 500.
“Having already clinched my spot,” Gordon said, “I didn’t have to sweat the finish. I’m not the only driver who can say this, but ‘I handled my business at Martinsville.’”
2. Kyle Busch: Busch finished fourth at Phoenix and claimed his spot in the Chase finale at Homestead. Busch will vie with Jeff Gordon, Kevin Harvick and Martin Truex Jr. for the Sprint Cup title.
“I signed an extension to keep M&M’s and Mars products on my car for the next several seasons,” Busch said. “You’ll see their names on the front of my car, the top of my car, and yes, the back of my car, so I’ll continue to be called a ‘candy ass’ by fellow drivers and fans alike.”
3. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished second at Phoenix to lock up his spot in the finale at Homestead.
“Thanks to the rain,” Harvick said, “my reign continues.
“I will do anything to win my second Sprint Cup championship. And I mean that in the most literal sense. Whatever it takes, I will do it. That includes wrecking myself and wrecking others. I’m such a talented driver, I can do those things separately.”
4. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex punched his ticket to Homestead with a 14th-place finish at Phoenix.
“I made it,” Truex said, “and I didn’t even have to win or wreck Trevor Bayne intentionally to do so.”
5. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin finished eighth at Phoenix, posting his 19th top 10 of the year.
“Matt Kenseth met with Brian France after returning from a two-race suspension,” Hamlin said. “I’m sure what France told Matt was ‘quintessential B.F.,’ which is essentially the same as ‘quintessential B.S.’”
6. Dale Earnhardt Jr: Earnhardt won the rain-shortened Quicken Loans Race For Heroes 500.
“The skies opened,” Earnhardt said, “and for some drivers, the door closed. That’s the nature of Mother Nature when it comes to stock car racing.”
7. Joey Logano: Logano finished third in the rain-shortened Quicken Loans Race For Heroes 500 at Phoenix. Needing a win to advance, Logano will have to wait until next year to seek his first Sprint Cup championship.
“This was supposed to be my year,” Logano said, “but things got turned around when I ‘turned around’ Matt Kenseth.”
8. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski finished ninth at Phoenix and finished eighth in the point standings.
“We didn’t put a single Penske Racing driver in the finale at Homestead,” Keselowski said. “But we might put a single Joe Gibbs Racing driver into the wall at Homestead.”
9. Kurt Busch: Busch finished seventh despite suffering a drive-through penalty for jumping the start of the Quicken Loans Race For Heroes 500.
“You can’t beat the pole sitter to the starting line,” Busch said. “Much like I did when I accused Patricia Driscoll of being an assassin, I ‘jumped the gun.’”
10. Carl Edwards: Edwards came home 12th at Phoenix and finished fifth in the points standings, just missing out on eligibility for the championship at Homestead.
“Who’s wrecked more Chase hopes?” Edwards said. “The rain, or Matt Kenseth?”
