Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.
1. Kevin Harvick: Harvick scored his third runner-up finish of the season with a second in the Coca-Cola 600.
“I signed a contract extension with Stewart-Haas Racing,” Harvick said. “We met at the bargaining table; they made me an offer, I signed it, and, you know me, I pushed it back across the table.” Pushed.
2. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson took third in the Coca-Cola 600 as Martin Truex Jr. captured a dominating win. Johnson is third in the Sprint Cup points standings, 48 out of first.
“Truex certainly had the best car,” Johnson said. “I got close to him a few times, but he just pulled away easily. I really think he was just toying with the other 39 cars. Really, I don’t think anyone has ‘played the field’ like that since Tim Richmond.”
3. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex won the pole and led 392 of 400 laps on his way to a dominating win in the Coca Cola 600, leading all but 12 miles of the race.
“We had the field covered,” Truex said, “or, in Furniture Row-speak, we had the field ‘upholstered.’ Everything went right for us, which was surprising. The way things had been going, I was expecting the wheels to fall off, both literally and figuratively.
“Lewis Hamilton celebrated his Monaco Grand Prix with Justin Bieber. I hear he handed Bieber a bottle of champagne in Victory Lane. I’ve heard of DRS-enabled; Bieber at Monaco is a case of TMZ-enabled.”
4. Kyle Busch: Busch finished 33rd at Charlotte, eight laps down, suffering his second-worst result of the year, and second finish in a row of 30th or worse.
“I slammed the wall hard with 10 laps to go,” Busch said, “and NASCAR didn’t even throw a caution. I guess NASCAR officials ‘86’ed’ the caution. Or maybe they ‘78’ed’ it.”
5. Kurt Busch: Busch posted his 11th top-10 finish of the year with a sixth at Charlotte. He is second in the points standings, trailing Kevin Harvick by 36.
“I think everyone was happy to see Truex win,” Busch said. “I guess the old adage “Nice guys finish last” doesn’t apply, at least not now. I was skeptical, because with Kevin Harvick and Kyle Busch winning the last two Sprint Cup championships, the old adage ‘A-holes finish first’ has been the norm.”
6. Carl Edwards: Edwards was penalized twice for speeding on pit row and suffered a finish of 18th, one lap down. He is fifth in the Sprint Cup points standings, 53 out of first.
“Busted for speeding twice,” Edwards said. “I think we’ve seen this before because this certainly isn’t the first time a NASCAR driver has been brought down by ‘two-timing.’”
7. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski came home fifth in the Coca-Cola 600, posting his fourth top-five result of the season.
“The Sunday before Memorial Day is the greatest day of the year in auto racing,” Keselowski said. “Race fans can start the day in Monaco, head to Indianapolis, and finish the day in Charlotte. In other words, race mileage is inversely proportionate to culture.”
8. Joey Logano: Logano finished ninth in the Coca Cola 600, joining Penske Racing teammate Brad Keselowski in the top 10.
“I didn’t win on Sunday,” Logano said, “but I did win the All-Star Race last week. It’s nice to have my name engraved on the winner’s trophy. That’s a far cry from the rules for the All-Star Race, which are written in pencil.”
9. Chase Elliott: Elliott finished eighth at Charlotte, recording his fourth consecutive top-10 result. He is eighth in the Sprint Cup points standings.
“Martin Truex Jr. won one of NASCAR’s crown jewel races,” Elliott said. “The Coca-Cola 600. The Indianapolis 500 may have ‘Carburation Day;’ now, Truex can celebrate with ’Carbonation Day.’”
10. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth finished seventh at Charlotte, posting his third top 10 in the last three races.
“Congratulations to Martin Truex Jr.,” Kenseth said. “You know, Joe Gibbs Racing shares an alliance with Furniture Row Racing. That means we share technical data, strategies, and a dislike for Carl Edwards.”
