Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.
1. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson won the rain-delayed Food City 500 at Bristol, earning his second consecutive win this season and 82nd in his career.
“I was really concerned with the grip on the track after race officials put down a traction compound,” Johnson said. “But my crew chief Chad Knaus alleviated my fears. Chad has a way with words; he also has a way with ‘sentences,’ as his history of being punished by NASCAR for rules infractions can attest.”
2. Kyle Larson: Larson started from the pole, dominated Stage 1, and ultimately finished sixth after a late pit road speeding penalty damaged his chances for a win.
“NASCAR is a sport made exciting by speeds approaching 200 miles per hour,” Larson said, “and made boring by speeds approaching 45 miles per hour.”
3. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex led 116 laps and finished eighth in the Food City 500. He is third in the points standings, 37 out of first.
“Jimmie Johnson has 82 career wins,” Truex said. “Two more and he ties NASCAR legend, Darrell Waltrip. It seems Jimmie is well on his way to coining his own irritating three-word catchphrase: ‘Eight-time champion.’”
4. Chase Elliott: Elliott finished seventh at Bristol, recording his sixth top 10 of the year. He is second in the Monster Energy Cup points standings, 27 out of first.
“I’m really sad that my Hendrick Motorsports teammate Dale Earnhardt Jr. is retiring,” Elliott said. “But he won’t leave without first being toasted by everyone here at Hendrick. Rick Hendrick is bringing the champagne; Jimmie Johnson is bringing the ‘Cups.’”
5. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski finished 34th, 67 laps down, after a troubling day at Bristol victimized by steering and brake issues.
“Steering issues are one thing,” Keselowski said. “Brake issues are another. Ironically, when brake issues arise, the one thing you want to say the most is ‘Make it stop.’”
6. Joey Logano: Logano finished fifth in the Food City 500, posting his fifth top-five of the year, and is currently fourth in the points standings.
“You may have seen the new Verizon ad starring myself, LeBron James, and Drew Brees,” Logano said. “Once again, It’s the story of my life. Even in my sport, when I stand next to two other athletes, I’m the one they say has no balls.”
7. Kevin Harvick: Harvick raced to a third in the Food City 500, posting his second consecutive top-five result.
“I’m of the opinion that the All-Star Race should take place at other locations besides Charlotte,” Harvick said. “And, NASCAR should have a skills competition, much like the NBA and NHL. Some events could be the ‘Cowardly Shove In The Back,’ the ‘Punch That Has No Chance Of Landing,’ and the ‘Mad Rush To Confront A Driver Who You Believe Has Wronged You.’”
8. Clint Bowyer: Bowyer chased Jimmie Johnson the finish line at Bristol, settling for a second in the Food City 500. Bowyer is eighth in the Monster Energy Cup points standings.
“There was no way I was going to catch Jimmie,” Bowyer said, “and that was frustrating. I jokingly called Jimmie a ‘butthole.’ And I think you’ll find that most, if not all, drivers agree that Jimmie’s the best ‘piece of ass’ in our sport.”
9. Kyle Busch: Busch suffered two tire failures at Bristol on his way to a 35th in the Food City 500.
“To heck with a Goodyear,” Busch said, “I’ll settle for a ‘good day.’”
10. Jamie McMurray: McMurray finished 12th in the Food City 500 and is up two spots to sixth in the Monster Energy Cup points standings.
“The people of Junior Nation must be disappointed by Dale Earnhardt Jr.’s impending retirement,” McMurray said. “Luckily, disappointment is not a new emotion for them.”
