Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.
1. Kevin Harvick: Harvick corralled his third consecutive win, dashing to the win in the Ticket Guardian 500 at Phoenix.
“I was showing three fingers out of my side window for the fans in the stands,” Harvick said, “and one finger out of my rear window for NASCAR officials in the inspection area.”
2. Kyle Busch: Busch finished second to Kevin Harvick for the second week in a row and now sits second in the points standings.
“I was trying my darndest to get to Harvick’s rear bumper,” Busch said. “Not because I wanted to pass him; I just wanted to get a really good look at his rear windshield.”
3. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex started on the pole and finished fifth at Phoenix, scoring his third top five of the year.
“Right now,” Truex said, “Toyota is just trying to keep up with Ford and Kevin Harvick. Is Harvick’s team hiding something that may be illegal? It’s possible. So, instead of focusing on the rear window, maybe NASCAR officials should try checking the ‘back door.'”
4. Joey Logano: Logano finished 19th, one lap off the pace, in the TicketGuardian 500 at Phoenix. He is now fourth in the Monster Energy Cup points standings, 16 out of first.
“Kevin Harvick’s dominance surely can’t be good for television ratings,” Logano said. “Heck, I know at least 38 people that are sick of watching this, and they’re all pretty involved in the sport.”
5. Ryan Blaney: Blaney finished 16th at Phoenix.
“I guess I can’t fault NASCAR for penalizing Kevin Harvick for rear windshield violations,” Blaney said. “Harvick lost 20 points from the overall championship standings and seven playoff points. NASCAR took one look at Harvick’s rear window and said, “Hindsight is 20-7.'”
6. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski finished 15th at Phoenix and is sixth in the points standings, 34 out of first.
“All the talk last week at Las Vegas was about Kevin Harvick and his rear windshield,” Keselowski said. “Many feel it akin to a remake of Alfred Hitchcock’s ‘Rear Window.’ Personally, with Vegas being the home of the Busch brothers, I thought the applicable Hitchcock movie would have been ‘Psycho.’
7. Kyle Larson: Larson started second at Phoenix and struggled to an 18th-place finish.
“There were a lot of empty seats at Phoenix International Raceway,” Larson said. “NASCAR claims the action will get fans ‘out of their seats,’ and I guess they’re right.”
8. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin took fourth at Phoenix.
“Kevin Harvick was just too good,” Hamlin said. “After the race, he called out ‘all the haters.’ Well, that must mean all of us, because everybody hates Kevin Harvick.”
9. Kurt Busch: Busch won Stage 2 at Phoenix and finished 10th. He is 10th in the points standings, 51 out of first.
“I agree with my teammate Kevin Harvick,” Busch said. “NASCAR is overstepping their boundaries by penalizing him. NASCAR officials looked at Kevin’s rear windshield and proclaimed it a ‘sight to behold,’ whereas Kevin says they looked at it and he declared it a ‘sight to b-holes.'”
10. Clint Bowyer: Bowyer finished sixth at Phoenix, posting his second top-10 finish of the season.
“If not for social media,” Bowyer said, “Kevin Harvick probably wouldn’t have been penalized for his rear windshield violation at Las Vegas. And that really pissed Harvick off. Ironically, he’s the one going ‘post-al.'”