Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.
1. Kyle Busch: Busch started third and finished 11th at Watkins Glen, despite tangling with both William Byron and Bubba Wallace.
“I hear Bubba went on a profanity-laced tirade about me,” Busch said. “He said the ‘A-word,’, the ‘S-word,’ and the ‘F-word.’ Oddly enough, though, no ‘W’s.'”
2. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex finished second at Watkins Glen, chasing Chase Elliott over the course of the closing laps.
“I’m not sure I could have even passed Elliott had I got close enough,” Truex said. “His car was too good, and he was too good. Let’s face it, the Chase was on.'”
3. Joey Logano: Logano struggled from the start at Watkins Glen and finished 23rd.
“My day sucked from the start,” Logano said. “So, with respect to the name of this race being called the ‘Go Bowling At The Glen,’ I will spare you the details. Plus, I’d like to strike this race from my memory. It’s really frustrating. But, of course, it could be worse. I could have three fingers and 16 pound balls.”
4. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin finished third in the Go Bowling At The Glen, one week after winning at Pocono.
“I feel like I’m in form to make a solid run at the Monster Energy Cup championship,” Hamlin said. “I’m on a great team and I have a great car, so what’s stopping me from completing the deal? Certainly not my sponsor, because at least Fed Ex knows how to ‘deliver the goods.'”
5. Chase Elliott: Elliott started on the pole and won the Go Bowling At The Glen, earning his second consecutive win at Watkins Glen.
“I led all but 10 laps,” Elliott said, “and swept all three stages. It was great to get the win, but I have my sights set on the bigger prize. I could care less about a ‘bowl;’ my eyes are on the Cup.”
6. Kevin Harvick: Harvick came home seventh at Watkins Glen, posting his 14th top 10 of the year.
“My feet were the featured pair of the ‘Foot Cam’ at Watkins Glen,” Harvick said. “It’s the one time I’d rather not be known as ‘Mr. Clutch,’ because this ‘Foot Cam’ footage always seems to end up on some creepy internet foot fetish site.”
7. Kurt Busch: Busch finished 10th in the Go Bowling At The Glen, one spot ahead of younger brother Kyle.
“Kyle really pissed off some other drivers,” Busch said. “As you know, the Busch brothers love confrontation on the track, but not necessarily off the track. We’re talkers, not fighters. So, if someone dares us to meet them to settle a difference, we often go the opposite direction. It must be hereditary because it ‘runs’ in the family.”
8. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski finished ninth at Watkins Glen, earning his 12th top 10 of the year.
“I got a great deal of satisfaction from seeing Bubba Wallace send Kyle Busch for a spin,” Keselowski said. “Everybody knows Kyle is an ‘ass.’ In fact, he is the king of asses. So, it makes perfect sense that Wallace retaliated, because Kyle was ‘ass-king’ for it.”
9. Ryan Blaney: Blaney finished fifth at Watkins Glen, scoring his third consecutive top-10 finish.
“I sent Jimmie Johnson into the tire barriers at the carousel turn,” Blaney said. “He’s none too happy about it and he’s vowed revenge. Jimmie has implied that I have a target on my back. Well, I replaced that sign with one that says ‘The Past.’ And I feel pretty safe, because Jimmie’s been chasing ‘the past’ for three years now, and still hasn’t caught it.”
10. Aric Almirola: Almirola overcame an early shifter problem to post a 12th-place finish in the Go Bowling At The Glen.
“I was nearly up ‘Shift Creek,'” Almirola said, “but my pit crew remedied the situation. Now, if I was a Formula 1 driver and my shifter broke, I would be ‘up Shift Creek without a paddle.'”
