Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.
1. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished 20th at Daytona.
“I had an early overheating issue,” Harvick said. “It seems some trash collected on my front grill. As one would expect in this sport, it was ‘white trash.'”
2. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin led at the final restart at Daytona, but was shuffled out of the draft and finished third.
“I’d like to be a team owner once my driver days are over,” Hamlin said. “And speaking of ‘taking ownership,’ Tyler Reddick apologized for causing the lap 152 ‘Big One.'”
3. Chase Elliott: Elliott survived on a wild night at Daytona to take the runner-up position in the Coke Zero Sugar 400.
“The race was called the ‘Coke Zero Sugar 400,'” Elliott said. “I don’t know a lot about Coke Zero, but I do know something about ‘Zero Coke.’ That’s the drug consumption in the Daytona infield with no fans.”
4. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex finished fourth at Daytona and is sixth in the points standings.
“The last eight laps at Daytona were pure chaos,” Truex said. “Incidentally, ‘Pure Chaos’ might be Tyler Reddick’s new nickname or the newest Mountain Dew flavor.”
5. Joey Logano: Logano won Stages 1 and 2 at Daytona, but his strong Stage 3 run ended when he was collected in a big crash with one lap to go. He finished 27th.
“I got bounced around pretty hard when I was knocked out of the race,” Logano said. “So, I’m upset I got knocked out of the race, and I’m a little sore from the wreck. So, in other words, ‘Sliced Bread’ feels ‘crumby.'”
6. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski finished 10th at Daytona, posting his 19th top 10 of the year.
“I purposely hung back for much of the race,” Keselowski said, “to avoid becoming a victim in an inevitable crash. I thought it wise to stay out of harm’s way. If I really want to find myself in harm’s way, I’ll ask Kevin Harvick to push me there.”
7. Ryan Blaney: Blaney finished sixth at Daytona.
“You saw the ‘Big One’ happen with eight laps to go,” Blaney said. “I think everyone can agree that Tyler Reddick was totally responsible for causing that. I’m sure Tyler will have a lot of drivers he needs to apologize to. He’ll have a lot of stops to make, so he should drive. That’s called a ‘guilt trip.'”
8. Aric Almirola: Almirola finished 18th at Daytona and enters the playoffs in 12th place, 52 behind Kevin Harvick.
“I’m going to the playoffs with the mindset to win it all,” Almirola said. “I’m so confident, I guarantee my name will be atop the standings after we race in Phoenix on November 8. Of course, I’m counting on drivers to be ranked alphabetically.”
9. Clint Bowyer: Bowyer finished 19th in the Coke Zero Sugar 400.
“I clinched a spot in the playoffs after Stage 1 ended,” Bowyer said. “I considered doing a burnout to celebrate. But I ultimately decided against it, because the last time I ‘intentionally spun’ before a race was over, it wasn’t a good look for me.”
10. (tie) William Byron: Byron survived a hectic finish at Daytona to take the win in the Coke Zero Sugar 400.
“There were two huge crashes in the final eight laps,” Byron said. “My car is sponsored by Liberty University, so I’m guessing Jerry Fallwell Jr. loved watching this race because he likes watching people ‘smash.'”
10. (tie): Kyle Busch: Busch was leading at Daytona on Lap 152 when Tyler Reddick went for an ill-advised block, forcing Busch into the wall and triggering the ‘Big One.’ Busch was knocked out of the race and finished 33rd.
“I’m not sure what Reddick was thinking,'” Busch said. “As they often say in NASCAR, it appears he ‘ran out of talent.’ That’s true, but when your wreck the defending NASCAR champion who’s also leading the race, you’ve ‘ran into talent.'”