Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.
1. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin won Stages 1 and 2 at Daytona and finished fifth after a wild finish.
“We lost a lot of ground on our final pit stop,” Hamlin said. “We just didn’t have the drafting numbers that the Fords and Chevrolets enjoyed. You know, the great Tim Richmond was way ahead of his time, because he was known to extol the virtues of having multiple partners. Maybe he wasn’t necessarily talking about drafting partners, but I like to believe Tim’s messages could be applied universally. I won’t even broach the subject of Tim’s opinion of going ‘three wide.'”
2. Michael McDowell: McDowell ran in third place on the final lap and pounced on the winning opening when Penske teammates Joey Logano and Brad Keselowski wrecked battling for the win.
“People often say you need teamwork to win at Daytona,” McDowell said. “It’s true. So, I’d like to thank Logano and Keselowski for their teamwork. As they say, ‘Teamwork makes the dream work.’ If the case of Penske Racing, ‘their teamwork made my dream work, and made their team work, extra hard, to pick up the remains of two destroyed race cars.'”
3. Chase Elliott: Eliott finished second at Daytona as Michael McDowell beat him to the line after a huge last-lap pileup.
“Luke Combs performed before the race on Sunday,” Elliott said. “James Taylor would have been a perfect post-race artist, because there was ‘Fire And Rain.'”
“Pit Bull gave the command to start the engines. If a driver is penalized for speeding on pit lane and doesn’t agree with it, he would call that ‘pit bull.'”
4. Kevin Harvick: Harvick led 17 laps and finished fourth in the Daytona 500.
“It was a long day at Daytona,” Harvick said. “Heck, the race started on Valentine’s Day and finished the following day. Despite that, there was no ‘love lost’ between Penske Racing teammates Joey Logano and Brad Keselowski.”
5. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski’s move for the win on the final lap at Daytona was met by a block from Joey Logano. Contact sent the two spinning, resulting in a fiery collision involving multiple cars. Keselowski finished 13th.
“I’m not one to point fingers,” Keselowski said, “because I don’t have enough to indicate the amount of blame Joey deserves. Let’s just say Joey earned quite a few ‘bonus points.'”
6. Austin Dillon: Dillon finished third at Daytona, one of seven Chevrolets in the Top 10.
“That six-hour weather delay was brutal,” Dillon said. “It actually felt longer. In other words, it felt like Fox’s pre-race coverage. And there was just as much ‘hot air.'”
7. Joey Logano: Logano led on the final lap but his attempt to block Penske teammate Brad Keselowski took them both out and allowed Michael McDowell to capture an unlikely Daytona 500 win.
“I’m sure Brad is mad at me,” Logano said. “But what really scares me is facing my boss Roger Penske. He’s gonna let me have it. Suffice it to say ‘Sliced Bread’ is ‘toast.’
“Now, I don’t necessarily take responsibility for that final lap chaos. After all, we’re racing in Florida, where there are no income taxes, and, more importantly for me, no consequences for your actions.”
8. Kyle Busch: Busch finished 14th at Daytona after a wild finish that saw Busch slam hard into Brad Keselowski, causing a fiery aftermath.
“It’s certainly not the first time Brad and I have had a ‘heated exchange,'” Busch said. “And I can certainly understand why Brad was so ‘hot’ after the race.
“Now, is my brother Kurt retiring soon? I’d say any driver that posts a cryptic video featuring the likes of Vanilla Ice and Rob Gronkowski is likely in the middle of a mid-life crisis, or a fever dream.”
9. Ryan Preece: Preece finished sixth at Daytona.
“What an unlikely win for Michael McDowell,” Preece said. “And speaking of ‘unlikely Daytona 500 winners,’ 1990 Daytona 500 winner Derrick Cope was the first driver out of the race. That wasn’t totally unexpected, because we’ve been saying for years, ‘Derrick Cope should be ‘retiring’ any minute now.'”
10. Kyle Larson: Larson finished 10th in the Daytona 500 in his first race for Hendrick Motorsports.
“Congratulations to Michael McDowell,” Larson said. “I can only imagine how I’d react if I was to become Daytona 500 champion. I’m pretty sure I’d be speechless, just to be safe.
“It’s great to have Michael Jordan in NASCAR. It’s great for business. If you’re looking for a sport to take off in popularity, ‘bet on NASCAR.’ If you’re looking for a car owner to bet on NASCAR, bet on Michael Jordan.'”