Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.
1. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin was penalized twice for speeding on pit lane, and later suffered damage in a late crash. He finished 32nd, three laps down.
“I got caught speeding while serving the penalty for my first speeding infraction,” Hamlin said. “NASCAR officials told me, ‘Better luck next time.’
“Bubba Wallace will be the center of a Netflix series that chronicles his season with newly-formed 23XI Racing. If you’d like to know more, do a Google search for ‘NASCAR streaming’ and kindly ignore the results that explain how drivers relieve themselves in their cars.”
2. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski survived at Talladega and used a last-lap pass to win the Geico 500, his sixth Talladega triumph.
“Roger Penske met with his Penske Racing drivers earlier this week,” Keselowski said, “and he told us that a replay of our last lap crash at Daytona in February would be unacceptable. His words really stuck with me. You could say the words of the man who built the Penske trucking empire really ‘moved’ me.”
3. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex suffered damage when a Brad Keselowski block sent Joe Gibbs Racing teammate Denny Hamlin into the wall and into the path of Truex. Truex eventually finished 31st, two laps down.
“It was good to see fans in the Talladega infield,” Truex said, “and it’s also good to see them partying hard and consuming alcohol at a rate that would make a liver blush. You could say they’re ‘BAC.'”
4. Joey Logano: Logano crashed out at Talladega with a lap to go in Stage 1. Logano finished 39th.
“My No. 22 Ford went airborne after I made contact with Denny Hamlin,” Logano said. “As Denny’s primary sponsor is FedEx, that’s called getting ‘air mailed.’
“Congratulations to my teammate Brad Keselowski for his win, and congratulations to Jeb Burton for winning the Xfinity race on Saturday. That was his first Xfinity win. Jeb is the son of Jeff Burton, and the nephew of ‘Wadd Button.'”
5. William Byron: Byron survived a late Stage 2 accident that collected three Hendrick Motorsports cars and rebounded to take the runner-up finish at Talladega.
“Talladega is always a battle of attrition,” Byron said. “It’s all about survival and making educated decisions that are beneficial despite all the chaos going on around you. And on that note, it’s a good time to reiterate that NASCAR will not mandate that drivers get the COVID vaccination. It makes sense, because there’s no way NASCAR will inspect their drivers as strictly as they do their cars.”
6. Kevin Harvick: Harvick led 12 laps and finished fourth in the Geico 500.
“My No. 4 Ford advertised a product called ‘Dog Brew By Busch,'” Harvick said. “Just to be clear, this product does not contain alcohol. That means dogs won’t get drunk when they drink it, and humans will be very drunk when they inevitably drink it.”
7. Christopher Bell: Bell finished 17th at Talladega.
“Hip-hop duo Tag Team served as the race’s grand marshals,” Bell said. “They’re famous for the song ‘Whoomp! (There It Is).’ I think it was awesome that NASCAR tabbed Tag Team to give the ‘Start Your Engines’ command. It was a bold selection. Could it have been bolder? Only if NASCAR had chosen Tag Team to deliver the convocation.”
8. Ryan Blaney: Blaney was a factor on the final lap at Talladega and finished ninth as Penske Racing teammate Brad Keselowski took the win.
“If you’re leading the next-to-last lap at Talladega,” Blaney said, “you’re what we call a ‘sitting duck.’ To quote Matt DiBenedetto, who led that penultimate lap, ‘Quack.'”
9. Chase Elliott: Elliott finished 24th at Talladega.
“I’m very disappointed,” Chase Elliott said. “For finishing 24th, for sure, but mostly for finishing 18 spots behind a driver named Kaz Grala, who may or may not be an Israeli self-defense discipline.”
10. Kyle Larson: Larson blew an engine only seven laps in at Talladega and finished last.
“My car overheated almost immediately,” Larson said, “so I completed only three laps. That’s totally unacceptable. And I was pissed. As I was pulling my No. 5 Chevrolet into the garage, I thought, ‘The car and I both are ‘coming in hot.'”