Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.
1. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin finished seventh at Dover, posting his tenth top 10 of the season.
“I unveiled my new racing shoe,” Hamlin said. “It’s called the ‘Jordan Racer 1,’ and it comes with a heat shield built right into the heel. Chances are very good that it will eventually be the hottest shoe on the market.”
2. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex finished 19th at Dover, one lap down.
“It just wasn’t our day,” Truex said. “And that sucks, because I’m really fond of that ‘Miles The Monster’ trophy. Now, I can’t tell you exactly why I like that trophy so much. In other words, I can’t give you a ‘concrete’ reason why it appeals to me.”
3. William Byron: Byron dealt with early brake issues at Dover, but overcame them on his way to a fourth in the Drydene 400.
“My brake pedal was going all the way to the floor,” Byron said. “That’s not good, although technically, I did have the ‘pedal to the metal.'”
4. Kyle Larson: Larson won Stages 1 and 2 but couldn’t hold off Hendrick teammate Alex Bowman for the win. Larson finished second as HMS took the top four spots.
“Losing is the pits,” Larson said. “Oh, did I say ‘Losing is the pits?’ I meant to say ‘Losing in the pits,’ because that’s what we did. Did I say ‘we?’ I meant to say ‘they.'”
5. Kevin Harvick: Harvick took sixth at Dover and is now eighth in the points standings.
“It was good to see fans in the stands at Dover,” Harvick said. “Especially some without masks. Now, the fans’ full return won’t be complete until they’re allowed to be out full force in a track infield. And experience tells me that the only way to fully appreciate infield fans is without a mask, because they smell so bad you can taste them.”
6. Alex Bowman: Bowman won the race off pit road on the final pit stop and led the final 98 laps to win the Drydene 400 at Dover.
“Hendrick Motorsports cars swept the top four,” Bowman said. “They call that a ‘train,’ and they tell me no one’s run one that well at HMS since Tim Richmond.”
7. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski suffered a lug nut mishap late at Dover, which forced an extra pit stop to correct. The lost track position left the driver of the No. 2 Penske Mustang with a 16th-place finish.
“Did you see the guy dressed as Kyle Busch in the stands?” Keselowski said. “It made my day. Now there’s two Kyle Busch’s I can call an ‘ass.’ That would be called the ‘ass-ass-ination’ of Kyle Busch.”
8. Joey Logano: Logano finished fifth at Dover behind the Hendrick Motorsports 1-2-3-4 finish.
“That’s the epitome of a ‘sweep,'” Logano said. “So, basically, Hendrick took the broom to the rest of us. And speaking of ‘taking a broom,’ that’s also how Teresa Earnhardt traveled.”
9. Kyle Busch: Busch suffered early engine issues at Dover and finished 27th, seven laps down, in the Drydene 400.
“There was a fan in the stands dressed exactly like me,” Busch said. “I’m flattered, but mostly surprised, that anyone would go out of their way to look like me.”
10. Chase Elliott: Elliott finished third at Dover as Hendrick Motorsports swept the top four spots.
“I started from the rear because of multiple inspection failures,” Elliott said. “That seems to be a weekly occurrence for me. You know it may be a problem when NASCAR officials spend as much time under your hood as your mechanics.”