Kyle Busch Picks Up Brand New Lifetime Sponsorship After Not-Very-Accidental Swearing Snafu

(NOTE: The following story is a work of satire…I think.)

WALLA WALLA, WASHINGTON: Maybe it pays to say bad words on TV?

While most every other human being in the known universe might not feel so great after being fined for $50,000 worth of expletive-laden outburst (with an added bonus of doing so on live TV in front of God, Sponsors, and Everyone), oh, and driving like a blind autocross racer over orange cones. Along with blowing through a crowd of people like he sees the world as a bowling alley, and every other human out there is a pin to knock over. Kyle Busch is no such human with these sorts of sensitivities, as he will instead be swearing his way to the bank. Thanks to a new lifetime sponsor in the form of The Society of American Cheeses and Bratwursts and Colon and Rectal Surgeons in Walla Walla, Washington.

Dr. Colon Exhaust, President of that society, elaborated further.

“The SACBCRS is a prestigious institution that has been in existence since 1871. However, since we are not one of those fancy medical societies, you know, like those attention hogs that run all of those psychiatry and psychology outfits and they’re a bunch of fakes anyway. Yeah, Jim, I’m talking to you, that’s the last time we play with a bunch of cheaters at our annual full-contact Cornhole tournament. Anyway, because our line of work is less glamorous than most of those other societies, we get a startling lack of attention in the press.”

Dr. Exhaust continued on.

“I accidentally stumbled across the first half or so of the Darlington race last weekend and saw this colorful yellow race car with what appeared to be brightly colored rabbit droppings painted on both sides. We here at The Society of American Cheeses and Bratwursts and Colon and Rectal Surgeons know poop-shaped objects when we see them. I was of course horrified to discover later on that the car was sponsored by M&M’s. Anyway, that car crashed, the driver parked his car, and was interviewed afterward.”

Dr. Exhaust spoke a bit more.

“I was initially horrified to hear that driver, Kyle Busch, speak so derogatorily towards his teammates and use so many ‘S-words’ on live TV. I mean, I’m in that line of work, and none of us in this business use that language even in private, as proctologists, well, we are simply far too educated and intelligent for it to ever occur to us to ever say s*** like that.”

“I was also shocked to see him driving so dangerously into the pit area, but since most of us here at the office actually drive worse than two-time championship-winning Kyle Busch in a rage. I’ve crashed three Mercedes SUV’s just this year. This isn’t an area where neither anyone I know personally or myself can pass judgment. I drive so badly, the only checkered flag that I will ever have waving at me is if I crash at full speed into a checkered flag factory.”

“But after the horror of the initial shock wore off, a mental light bulb went off, no, make that an entire city of light bulbs: Kyle Busch, with his beautiful, innate ability to speak of scatological byproducts like he so colorfully does on live TV, why he would be the absolute best spokesperson to give our almost unknown Society of American Cheeses and Bratwurst and Colon and Rectal Surgeons the public voice we need to get our name out there. Look, we’ve literally thrown every form of, um, excrement at the wall in the form of PR events and nothing so far is sticking. Just look at him! He’s perfectly okay with saying ‘s***’ on live TV, no matter who might be watching! THIS IS THE MAN WE NEED!”

“So to that end, heh, that was a pun there, we here at The American Society of Colon and Rectal Surgeons have offered Kyle Busch a lifetime sponsorship in the hopes that he will swear more often during post-race interviews. Because not only will we here at the SACBCRS be giving Mr. Busch a generous salary to be our spokesperson, it will be an explosive relief for him to learn that we will actually be pushing him to say more S-words on live TV. In addition to him receiving lifetime rectal exams in any of our sponsored facilities, we will also be paying whatever fines he incurs during live TV spots, which means he can engage in verbal diarrhea however and wherever he wants, just as long as colorfully adds the ‘S-word’ to every sentence. With this offer to Mr. Busch, we’re hoping to land our organization into the public perception end-zone!”

No word as of yet has been received concerning whether or not Kyle Busch has accepted the offer.