Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.
1. Chase Elliott: Elliott was a factor at COTA for most of the day and finished 4th.
“I’d like to apologize to Kyle Busch for spinning him early in the race,” Elliott said. “Hopefully, I’ll set a good example for Kyle. Probably won’t work though. What’s even less likely than Kyle apologizing for something? Him accepting an apology.”
2. Ross Chastain: Chastain came out on top in a thrilling final two laps at COTA, bumping A.J. Allmendinger into Alex Bowman to take the lead and secure the win.
“That was my first win in the NASCAR Cup series,” Chastain said. “There was also another first: it was the first time an indoor skydiving sponsor appeared on any NASCAR ride. It’s called ‘iFly,’ and is for those who think real skydiving is ‘iffy.’
“But if anyone has a problem with the way I won, they can enjoy, on my dime, an outdoor skydiving adventure, without a parachute.”
3. Ryan Blaney: Blaney started on the pole and finished 6th in the EchoPark Automotive Grand Prix at COTA, posting his 3rd top 10 of the season.
“Congratulations to Ross Chastain,” Blaney said. “I was impressed by his driving, and even more impressed by his victory celebration, which was spiking a watermelon from atop his car. Apparently, that watermelon is the only thing he treats worse than the cars in front of him.”
4. Alex Bowman: Bowman briefly led on a wild final lap at COTA before he was bumped out of the front when Ross Chastain slapped A.J. Allmendinger into Bowman. Bowman recovered to finish second.
“Chastain really did a number on A.J. and myself,” Bowman said. “As Denny Hamlin might say, he ‘absolutely hacked’ us.
“And speaking of Denny Hamlin, he’s 24th in the points standings. So basically, he needs a win to get into the playoffs. And I have no doubt he’ll get it, as long as it’s not the last race of the season.”
5. Joey Logano: Logano struggled in the EchoPark Automotive Grand Prix at COTA, suffering three spins and limping home with a 31st-place finish.
“My former teammate Brad Keselowski’s team received a huge penalty for a rules violation,” Logano said. “They ‘modified a single-source supply part.’ Those five words sound a little technical, so here is another five words that says the same thing: ‘You cheated and got caught.'”
6. William Byron: Byron came home 12th at COTA as Hendrick Motorsports placed three drivers in the top 12.
“There were quite a few ‘road course ringers’ in the race,” Byron said. “One of them was a driver named ‘Joey Hand’ in the race. That’s ‘Joey Hand,’ not to be confused with the late Mafia capo ‘Joey Hands,’ a name which is as Mafia as it gets, much like ‘Dick Trickle’ is a name which is as NASCAR as it gets.”
7. Chase Briscoe: Briscoe was challenging for the win late at COTA, but was shuffled back on a restart and then fell further back when he pitted for fresh tires. He finished 30th.
“Sure I’m disappointed,” Briscoe said. “But at least my hero and car owner Tony Stewart was in the Fox broadcasting booth. I know Tony has to get fidgety standing in a booth for four hours. For one thing, he’s not sitting in a car, but what’s even worse for Tony is he has to go that long without cursing.”
8. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex took new tires late and surged through the field to place a solid 7th-place finish.
“Fresh tires mean everything in the sport of NASCAR,” Truex said. “And, with each winner this year being under 30, fresh faces mean everything in this sport.
9. Aric Almirola: Almirola finished 19th at COTA, and after three straight top 10’s to begin the season, has failed to crack the top 10 in his last three races.
“Wrestling great ‘The Undertaker’ rode along in the pace car,” Almirola said. “That had to be frightening for the pace car driver. You don’t want to be stuck in a car with a ‘dead man,’ and certainly not if he ‘R.I.P.’s‘ a fart.”
10. Tyler Reddick: Reddick started 4th and finished 5th at COTA, and is 10the in the points standings.
“It’s a good finish,” Reddick said, “but I feel like I had a car good enough to win. Of course, having 3CHI as my primary sponsor means I feel like I should always finish higher.
“And speaking of ‘3CHI,’ I think they’re expanding to the edible food market, with a delicious product called ‘3CHI’s Pizza.'”