Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.
1. Chase Elliott: Elliott finished seventh at Talladega.
“Ross Chastain is rolling right now,” Elliott said. “Is he a championship contender? I think his performance has other contenders worried. You could say that by ‘planting’ a watermelon on the pavement, he’s ‘planting’ a seed in our minds.
“Now, it seems like it’s just a matter of time before Chastain is crowned champion, or, most likely, becomes the spokesperson for an alcoholic beverage with a flavor called ‘Spiked Watermelon.'”
2. Ryan Blaney: Blaney led 23 laps and finished 11th at Talladega.
“I’m disappointed,” Blaney said. “Sure, it was a solid finish, but I feel like I wasted a good car. And speaking of ‘solid waste,’ the sewage situation in the Talladega infield is a port-a-potty supplier’s nightmare. Luckily, the service of that supplier does not stink to high heaven.”
3. Ross Chastain: Chastain came out on top in a chaotic final lap at Talladega to win the Geico 500. It was his second win of the year.
“I’m making a name for TrackHouse Racing,” Chastain said. “That’s ‘Trackhouse Racing,’ not to be confused with ‘CrackHouse Racing,’ which Jeremy Mayfield made famous back in 2009.”
4. Kyle Busch: Busch finished third at Talladega, posting his third top-five of the season.
“With four consecutive top 10’s,” Busch said, “I feel like I’m peaking. Many people would say I’m ‘peaked,’ because I’m so darn pale.
“I made some comments Saturday about my future with Joe Gibbs Racing. I’m losing M&M’s as a sponsor, and if JGR doesn’t find me a new sponsor, I might bolt. Really, it’s just a strategy for me to get what I want. I call this my contract extension ‘Whine And Sign’ method.”
5. Joey Logano: Logano crashed out at Talladega on lap 90 when a bump in the draft from Bubba Wallace turned Logano’s No. 22 into the wall. Logano finished 32nd.
“I can’t blame anyone for wrecking me,” Logano said. “In other words, Bubba wasn’t ‘out of line’ for wrecking me, even though he was ‘out of line.’ But at Talladega, that’s just the way the cookie, and my hopes for a win, crumbles.”
6. Alex Bowman: Bowman finished ninth at Talladega as Hendrick Motorsports placed three cars in the top 10.
“I’ll take that ninth,” Bowman said, “and happily head to Dover, where I’m the defending champion. I repeat, defending champion.”
7. William Byron: Byron won Stage 2 at Talladega and led a race-high 38 laps, but a slow final pit stop cost him track position, and he was unable to return to the front. He finished 15th and is 3rd in the points standings.
“If you were watching at home,” Byron said, “you saw quite an entertaining race. And, you probably saw commercials for something called ‘Fire Cornhole.’ I don’t know what ‘Fire Cornhole’ is, but it sounds very painful.”
8. Kyle Larson: Larson led 32 laps at Talladega and was in position to win on the final lap. Race-leader Erik Jones moved to block Larson’s run for the lead, which opened the door for Ross Chastain to take the win. Larson finished 4th.
“There’s probably some things I would have done differently on that final lap,” Larson said, “but ultimately, I have to trust the decisions I made at the time and be happy with them. I like to live by the motto ‘No regrets.’ Well, make that the motto ‘No regrets, with one exception.'”
9. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex finished fifth in the Geico 500, joining Joe Gibbs Racing teammate Kyle Busch, who finished third, in the top 10.
“I thought we did pretty well,” Truex said, “considering there were only six Toyotas in the entire field. As they say, ‘it’s hard to find a dance partner when you’re the red-headed stepchild, especially when three of those potential dance partners are my teammates, none of which I particularly care for.'”
10. Aric Almirola: Almirola finished 13th at Talladega.
“My No. 10 Ford was highlighted by the Smithfield/IHOP paint scheme,” Almirola said. “So, the sausage and pancakes arrived at their destination, but we weren’t quite able to bring home the bacon.”