Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.
1. Chase Elliott: Elliott started on the pole and swept all the stages, taking the win with a pass for the lead on Corey LaJoie with two laps to go. It was Elliott’s third win of the season, and he leads the points standings.
“They sounded the siren at Dawsonville Pool Room, ” Elliott said. “That means that I won a race. It also means the good people of Dawsonville are smiling, although it’s sometimes hard to tell when they are.”
2. Ross Chastain: Chastain finished second in the Quaker State 400 at Atlanta Motor Speedway.
“I was involved in quite a few incidents on Sunday,” Chastain said. “I mean, if you’re one of the few drivers I haven’t wrecked, you can best bet I’ll ‘turn’ you against me very soon.”
3. Ryan Blaney: Blaney ran in the top 10 for the majority of the day and eventually crossed the line fifth in the Quaker State 400, earning his seventh top-five of the year.
“I was lucky to avoid all the spins and incidents that characterized Sunday’s race,” Blaney said. “Honestly, with cars spinning and smoking, sometimes it feels like I’m driving blind out there. I’m sure Ross Chastain knows the feeling.”
4. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex survived an early spin and battled back from a lap down to contend for the win at Atlanta. He finished ninth.
“Not surprisingly,” Truex said, “my spin was caused by Ross Chastain. It’s very fitting that Chastain has ‘Jockey’ on his car because when you race near him, you’ll need a change of underwear.”
5. Kyle Larson: Larson finished 11th at Atlanta as Hendrick Motorsports teammate Chase Elliott took the win.
“I think all drivers love racing at Atlanta Motor Speedway,” Larson said. “You can go wide open and don’t have to worry about braking. And personally, I’d like to keep my foot on the floor. That way, it stays out of my mouth.”
6. Joey Logano: Logano was involved in two incidents at Atlanta, the last of which sent him limping to the pits. He eventually finished 26th.
“I was involved in an early wreck and my car briefly got some air under it,” Logano said. “That’s a scary feeling. I certainly don’t want the car to roll. The only thing I’m interested in ‘flipping’ is the bird, to Matt Kenseth.”
7. Kyle Busch: Busch struggled to a 20th-place finish at Atlanta.
“I still don’t have a contract for 2023,” Busch said. “I haven’t felt this unwanted since I was first born.”
8. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished 10th in the Quaker State 400, his eighth top-10 of the year.
“Hunt Brothers Pizza was the primary sponsor of my No. 4 Ford,” Harvick said. “I run well when that’s the case. It’s like they say: ‘Good things happen when Hunt Brothers Pizza is on you. It’s an entirely different story when Hunt Brothers Pizza is in you.”
9. Daniel Suarez: Suarez finished sixth in the Quaker State 400.
“Corey LaJoie actually led 19 laps in the race,” Suarez said. “For a low-budget team like LaJoie’s, that’s mega-cool. Heck, it’s even MAGA-cool. Corey was going all out for the win but came up just short. Or did he? Honestly, I’ve got a feeling that he might challenge the outcome of that race.”
10. Aric Almirola: Almirola led the charge for Stewart Haas Racing, posting an eighth at Atlanta.
“I’ll take an eighth-place finish,” Almirola said, “but I think it could have been much better. If I had to give my performance a grade, it would be a B minus. If I had to give my parents a grade on spelling ‘Eric’ correctly, it would be a D minus.”