Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.
1. Chase Elliott: Elliott, seeking his second consecutive win, took the runner-up spot at New Hampshire. He leads the points standings by 16 over Ross Chastain.
“Christopher Bell just left me in the dust,” Elliott said. “He beat me by over five seconds. In other words, he ‘went off,’ unlike the siren at the Dawsonville Pool Hall.”
2. Ross Chastain: Chastain finished eighth at New Hampshire, posting his 11th top 10 of the season.
“I didn’t have the best car,” Chastain said, “and I’m certainly not the best driver. But I’m extremely proud of my finish. I earned it. You could say I deserve everything I get, and I’m sure Denny Hamlin would agree.”
3. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex started on the pole at New Hampshire and won Stages 1 and 2, but couldn’t close the deal, settling for a fourth-place finish.
“My car was primarily sponsored by Interstate Batteries,” Truex said. “Most people are used to seeing that logo on Kyle Busch’s car. I would name a sponsor that Kyle has lined up for next year, but I’m drawing a blank on that.”
4. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished fifth at New Hampshire.
“My in-car camera was sponsored by Hunt Brothers Pizza,” Harvick said. “Thanks to Hunt Brothers Pizza for allowing the viewer to see what’s in front of me. And also thanks to Hunt Brothers Pizza, you don’t want to see what’s behind you after eating it.”
5. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin finished sixth at New Hampshire, posting his fourth top 10 of the year.
“Congratulations to my Joe Gibbs Racing teammate Christopher Bell,” Hamlin said. “Now, he’s got something Martin Truex Jr. doesn’t have – a win; something Kyle Busch doesn’t have – a contract; and something I don’t have – 15 years to win a Cup title.”
6. Joey Logano: Logano finished 24th in New Hampshire.
“If you saw the word ‘Slam’ on Daniel Suarez’s car,” Logano said, “your eyes did not deceive you. And if you knew that ‘Slam’ promoted Pitbull’s Slam! Charter Schools, then you must be pretty smart, and obviously not a product of a school system with ‘Slam’ in its title.”
7. Kyle Busch: Busch survived two spins and worked his way to a 12th in the Ambetter 301 at New Hampshire.
“Joe Gibbs said he’s ‘surprised’ the team hasn’t signed me to a contract extension,” Busch said. “One would think for a driver who’s found the finish line so many times, finding the dotted line wouldn’t be so hard.”
8. Ryan Blaney: Blaney finished 18th in the Ambetter 301.
“How about that battle between Brad Keselowski and Austin Dillon?” Blaney said. “Those guys were really trying to wreck each other. Currently, that’s what disagreements in the Cup series amount to – trading paint. If it were the Xfinity series, the two drivers would be trading punches.”
9. Christopher Bell: Bell passed Chase Elliott with 42 laps to go and pulled away to win at New Hampshire, taking his first win of the season and clinching a playoff spot.
“This was an incredibly special win,” Bell said. “Not only did I clinch a playoff berth, but I also won a live lobster as a trophy. I heard that Tim Richmond once won a race and got crabs.”
10. William Byron: Byron finished 11th at New Hampshire and is eighth in the points standings, 70 out of first.
“I don’t drive a Toyota,” Byron said, “but I can appreciate Toyota’s commercial starring the Busch brothers, Kurt and Kyle. And it makes sense that Kurt would be the one abducted by aliens because apparently, no one wants Kyle.”