Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.
1. Chase Elliott: Elliott started on the pole at rainy Watkins Glen and was poised to take the win. But a late restart was his downfall, as Kyle Larson out-dragged him for the lead with five laps to go. Elliott finished fourth.
“You could tell in my post-race interview that I was holding back my anger,” Elliott said. “I know better than to criticize my teammate and create a distraction in this team. I’m just trying to be the better man, and doing that is easy, because I am.”
2. Joey Logano: Logano won Stage 2 at Watkins Glen and finished third.
“2007 Formula 1 champion Kimi Räikkönen was in the field at Watkins Glen,” Logano said. “You could tell by his finish of 36th that Kimi is unfamiliar with NASCAR. You could tell that NASCAR fans aren’t familiar with a driver when they can’t say or spell his name.”
3. Kyle Larson: Larson stalked Hendrick Motorsports teammate Chase Elliott over the final laps at Watkins Glen, and finally forced his way by on the final restart. Then Larson repelled the challenge of A.J. Allmendinger to win the Go Bowling At The Glen.
“I won the race by taking the inside line,” Larson said. “Chase Elliott says being shoved out of the way by a teammate is an inside job.”
4. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished 12th in the Go Bowling At The Glen.
“Racing in the rain is not my cup of tea,” Harvick said. “In fact, I don’t even drink tea, unless it’s made by Busch.
“My in-car camera for the race was sponsored by Northern Tool. Many drivers refer to Connecticut-born Joey Logano as the ‘Northern Tool.'”
5. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin finished 20th in the Go Bowling At The Glen.
“Sunday’s race started in the rain,” Hamlin said. “And I wasn’t much of a factor. I’m not much of a wet weather driver. There’s only one thing I like less than rain on the track, and that’s Ross Chastain.”
6. Christopher Bell: Bell challenged up front in the final stage at Watkins Glen and came home with an eighth, his 14th top 10 of the year.
“Sunday’s race featured quite the international flavor,” Bell said. “There were drivers representing six other countries besides the United States. And I can tell you without a shadow of a doubt that Ward Burton still has an accent harder to understand than all of theirs.”
7. Ryan Blaney: Blaney finished 24th at Watkins Glen, and has a 26-point advantage over Martin Truex Jr. as the two battle for the final playoff spot.
“I still haven’t officially clinched a spot in the playoffs,” Blaney said. “So I’m going to Daytona with my fingers crossed, my stomach in a knot, my panties in a twist, and my sphincter in a clinch.”
8. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex finished 23rd in the Go Bowling At The Glen.
“The outcome of the race hinged on a team’s early ability to switch from wet tires to dry tires,” Truex said. “Substitute ‘pants’ for ‘tires’ in that sentence, and you’ve successfully described a fan’s experience in the Daytona 500 infield.”
9. Kyle Busch: Busch’s chances to win at Watkins Glen unraveled when he was penalized on a late pit stop for pitting outside his pit box. Then a spin and contact with the wall left him further down the order. Busch eventually finished 32nd, one lap down.
“I’m still entrenched in contract negotiations,” Busch said. “And it’s frustrating. I’m a two-time Cup series champion—–teams should be fighting over me. Even my mortal enemy Brad Keselowski agrees. He says I’d be an ‘ass-et’ to any team.”
10. Ross Chastain: Chastain finished 21st at Watkins Glen.
“If famous statesman Ben Franklin were alive today,” Chastain said, “he would no doubt update one of his famous sayings to include me, because ‘Nothing is certain except for death, taxes, and Ross Chastain being involved in an accident.'”