Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.
1. Denny Hamlin: Denny Hamlin finished 10th at Texas.
“I had a late run-in with William Byron,” Hamlin said. “He said he didn’t mean to spin me. I can tell you my response to that will be ‘pre-meditated,’ because I’m definitely going to think very spiritually about it before I do it.”
2. Chase Elliott: Elliott slammed the wall with 27 laps remaining in Stage 2, and his No. 9 NAPA Chevy caught fire before coming to rest in the infield grass.
“At the time,” Elliott said, “I was leading the race. I was smoking the field, and continued to do so.”
3. Joey Logano: Logano started second at Texas and tried to chase down Tyler Reddick over the closing laps, but couldn’t get close enough and settled for the runner-up spot.
“It’s a great points day for us,” Logano said. “For a lot of playoff drivers, it was a great finger points day.”
4. Ryan Blaney: Blaney won Stage 2 at Texas and finished fourth at Texas.
“This race had it all,” Blaney said. “Heat, rain, lighting, as well as high winds from all the air leaving tires.”
5. William Byron: Byron posted a solid seventh in the EchoPark Automotive 500.
“I honestly didn’t mean to spin Denny Hamlin,” Byron said. “I’m ‘positive’ of that, and that’s also the same result I’d get on a lie detector test.”
6. Kyle Larson: Larson posted a solid ninth at Texas, joining Hendrick Motorsports teammate William Byron in the top 10.
“Despite my good result,” Larson said, “I’m not a big fan of this track. I said earlier they should tear it to the ground and start over. You know, like I did with my career that time.”
7. Ross Chastain: Chastain finished 13th at Texas, and is 18 points above the cut line as the series heads to Talladega.
“I won at Talladega in the spring,” Chastain said, “so I feel pretty confident I can leave there still in good playoff standing. I’m going to Talladega with the mindset of ‘just stay out of trouble.’ And since no other driver wants to be near me on the track out of fear I’ll wreck them, it should be smooth sailing for me.”
8. Christopher Bell: Bell suffered a variety of issues at Texas, all of which contributed to his retirement on Lap 136. He finished 34th.
“I went from 4 points above the cut line,” Bell said, “to 29 points below it. Much like tires at Texas, this blows.”
9. Tyler Reddick: Reddick led 70 laps and won the EchoPark Automotive 500 at Texas, his third win of the year.
“The name of the race was quite fitting,” Reddick said. “Apparently, the ‘echo’ in that race name obviously referred to all of the drivers saying ‘I blew a tire.'”
10. (tie) Martin Truex Jr.: Like many other drivers, Truex blew a tire and slammed the wall on Lap 268. He finished 31st.
“Once upon a time,” Truex said, “there was a thing called the ‘tire wars.’ I suggest we revisit that because I declare war on Goodyear.”
10. (tie) Chase Briscoe: Briscoe finished fifth at Texas, posting his fourth top-five of the season.
“After a race like that at Texas,” Briscoe said, “I’ve just got one question: Were the jets used in the pre-race flyover transporting any immigrants anywhere?”