Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.
1. Ross Chastain: A slow pit stop on a late caution cost Chastain track position. Things soon got worse, as Chastain’s No. 1 car suffered damage after contact on the Lap 59 restart. But a remarkable recovery, helped by numerous restarts, allowed Chastain to recover and salvage a fourth.
“You probably saw the video of me dropping a watermelon off the COTA tower,” Chastain said. “It was fun, but could have been way more satisfying if only Denny Hamlin had been down there to catch it.”
2. William Byron: Byron started on the pole at the Circuit Of The Americas and took the lead with eight laps to go with a pass of Tyler Reddick. But Reddick later got back by and held on for the win, while Byron took fifth.
“NASCAR may penalize us, fine us, and suspend us,” Byron said, “but this team just keeps persevering. Call us ‘cheaters,’ but we don’t care. We deflect criticism better than our modified car part deflects air.”
3. Joey Logano: Logano was caught up in a late crash on a restart and finished 29th in the EchoPark Automotive Grand Prix.
“When you have 30 plus cars barreling into Turn 1 at COTA,” Logano said, “there’s bound to be chaos. When that many cars try to navigate a turn with a width that can accommodate maybe four of them, it’s like opening Pandora’s Box or Kyle Busch’s luggage.”
4. Kyle Busch: Busch charged late and finished second at COTA, as Tyler Reddick pulled away for the victory.
“I’ve got nothing but good things to say about COTA,” Busch said. “And Austin is a great city, except for one small issue that really frightens me: it’s over 225 miles from the Mexican border, which is way too close for my liking.”
5. Tyler Reddick: Reddick overtook William Byron with five laps to go and held the lead on several restarts, winning the EchoPark Automotive Grand Prix.
“My racing with William Byron was quite exciting,” Reddick said. “If you won a group bet with your friends by wagering that I would win the race over the driver in the Liberty University car, then Jerry Falwell, Jr. would like to tell you that you won the ‘pool, boy.'”
6. Alex Bowman: Bowman ran in the top five for much of the day at COTA and came home third, recording his third top-5 of the season.
“I think drivers and fans alike enjoy road course racing,” Bowman said. “As a Hendrick Motorsports driver, it’s a lot like getting a massive penalty from NASCAR, because I find it very ‘appealing.'”
7. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished 13th in the EchoPark Automotive Grand Prix.
“It was a grueling race,” Harvick said. “And I think the ‘Echo’ in the race name had to refer to all these restarts that keep repeating themselves. When people say NASCAR racing is repetitive, this is what they are talking about.”
8. Ryan Blaney: Blaney was a victim of a spin in the first overtime restart at COTA, and limped home to a 21st-place finish once the race was settled after two more overtime restarts. He is sixth in the points standings, 34 out of first.
“With that much contact on the many restarts,” Blaney said, “tempers were bound to flare. And they did. Daniel Suarez was upset with his own teammate, Ross Chastain. You know what they say about Ross: ‘With teammates like Ross Chastain, who needs enemies?’
9. Christopher Bell: Bell was knocked out of the race with two laps remaining at COTA and finished with his worst result of the season, a 31st.
“The race had quite the Formula 1 flavor,” Bell said. “Former world champions Jenson Button and Kimi Räikkönen were in the race. That symbol over the ‘a’ and ‘o’ in ‘Räikkönen’ is called an ‘umlaut.’ For all of you NASCAR fans not familiar with that word, it doesn’t come with bacon and a side of hash browns.”
10. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin finished 16th at COTA.
“Hey,” Hamlin said, “let’s give it up for Tyler Reddick. That dude’s got ‘Monster Energy’ on his car and in his body. You need ‘monster energy’ just to survive the number of restarts caused by NASCAR’s idiotic restart rules. Reddick may have set a record, by winning the same race three times in one day.”