Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.
1. Kyle Busch: Like many drivers, Busch slammed into the Turn 6 tire barrier and had to be helped out by a tow truck to continue. Busch recovered and charged to a finish of fifth, posting his sixth top-five of the year.
“Luckily,” Busch said, “I know exactly what to do in a situation like that. I can’t tell you how many times, one instance very recent, in which I’ve needed to be pulled out of a serious jam.”
2. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin started on the pole at Chicago and survived an early spin to come home 11th in the Grant Park 220.
“It was tricky driving on a wet track,” Hamlin said. “You could say I ‘lost it,’ which is pretty much what I do in every episode of my podcast, ‘Actions Detrimental.’ Considering my spin, this week’s podcast will be subtitled ‘Traction’s Instrumental.'”
3. William Byron: Byron hit the tire barrier in Turn 11 on Lap 50 and caused a chain reaction, which blocked half the track, causing a massive logjam as cars tried to find a way through. Byron lost track position and ultimately finished 13th.
“I felt helpless,” Byron said. “Heck, all I could do was ‘sit there and watch,’ which made me remember that I’m happy to have Liberty University as a sponsor.”
4. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex ran in the top five for the majority of the Grant Park 220, but his day was ruined when he spun exiting Turn 5 and fell to 35th. His day ended for good on Lap 67, when he slid deep into a tire barrier. He finished 32nd.
“I think NASCAR needs to add more street circuits,” Truex said. “I think it’s cool to drive a track and be able to look up and see skyscrapers, which is also the only vantage point in which fans can actually see the action.”
5. Ross Chastain: Chastain finished 22nd at Chicago.
“I really wasn’t a factor at all in this race,” Chastain said. “When I am a factor in a race, I’m usually the winner or the reason someone doesn’t win.”
6. Christopher Bell: Bell won Stage 1 and 2 at Chicago and finished 18th after a lot of late-race drama.
“I just had a lot of bad luck,” Bell said. “First, I lost all my track position when William Byron caused a pileup on Lap 49, then I hit the tire barrier in Turn 1 in my haste to make up ground. It just goes to show that on a street circuit, anything can happen, including a driver winning in his very first Cup start, beating pretty much every full-time Cup driver. His name is Shane Van Ginsbergen. He just put New Zealand on the map. Most NASCAR fans couldn’t find New Zealand on a map.”
7. Kyle Larson: Larson started charging in Stage 2 and finished fourth in the Grant Park 220.
“Saturday’s Xfinity race was postponed halfway through due to inclement weather,” Larson said. “What’s worse, the Chainsmokers concert was totally canceled. Many fans remember the good old days of NASCAR, like in the 1970s, when if you mentioned the ‘chainsmokers,’ you were referring to every single NASCAR driver.”
8. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished 29th at Chicago.
“I’ve just got one suggestion,” Harvick said. “If you’re holding a race called the Grant Park 220 on a street circuit, why not just call in the ‘Grant Prix?'”
9. Joey Logano: Logano survived a trip into the Turn 6 tire barrier on Lap 22, and continued with little to no damage. He methodically made his way to the front and finished eighth.
“That Turn 6 tire barrier really had a busy day,” Logano said. “I think nearly every driver made contact with it. That tire barrier has subsequently been renamed ‘Ross Chastain.'”
10. Ryan Blaney: Blaney tagged the Turn 6 wall hard on Lap 18, the damage of which severely compromised his car. He finished 33rd.
“This city is known for its Chicago-style hot dog,” Blaney said. “It’s a little different from the Martinsville hot dog, in that it’s not lethal.”