Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.
1. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin finished second in the Cook Out 400 at Richmond.
“I’m becoming NASCAR’s biggest villain,” Hamlin said. “I’m the driver people love to hate. I’m also the driver drivers love to hate. I’m not here to win NASCAR’s Most Popular Driver award. I’m here to win championships. Unfortunately, I’ve won neither.”
2. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex finished seventh in the Cook Out 400.
“Sunday’s race was relatively incident free,” Truex said. “That’s fine by me because all this feuding gets on my nerves. Throw some punches for Christ’s sake. I think Richard Petty would echo my sentiment. If anyone knows drama queens, it’s the ‘King.'”
3. Kyle Busch: Busch started second and finished third at Richmond in the No. 8 X World Wallet Chevrolet.
“I’ve won more races than any active driver in history at Richmond,” Busch said. “I have six Richmond wins. You don’t always need six to top the list of active drivers. With only one, I top the list of active drivers who’ve been sentenced to jail time in a Mexican prison.”
4. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished 10th at Richmond, posting his ninth top 10 of the year.
“All the talk lately is about aggression and ethics in racing,” Harvick said. “All I know is in the good old days, if you got your feathers ruffled, you did something about it. Nowadays, if you get your feathers ruffled, it just means you’re a chicken.”
5. William Byron: Byron struggled at Richmond and finished 21st, one lap down.
“It was incredibly hot at the track,” Blaney said. “In some cars, the temperature reached 130 degrees. NASCAR has a pretty strict drug policy, so this is about the closest we can come to ‘getting baked.'”
6. Chris Buescher: Buescher took the lead from Brad Keselowski during a late pit stop cycle and held off Denny Hamlin to win the Cook Out 400 at Richmond.
“I was worried when Hamlin lined up next to me on the last restart,” Buescher said. “Luckily, I was on the ‘right side’ of Denny Hamlin.”
7. Kyle Larson: Larson finished 19th at Richmond, the last car on the lead lap.
“I’ve talked to Hamlin since our incident at Pocono,” Larson said. “Not personally, but over text. I suggested we ‘keep our distance,’ and since Denny finished second and I finished 19th, I guess we did.”
8. Joey Logano: Logano finished fourth in the Cook Out 400 at Richmond.
“I started 23rd,” Logano said. “So we really had to work hard to get to the front. I have to hand it to my pit crew–they did all the heavy lifting. And I’m glad they handled that, because have you seen my biceps?”
9. Christopher Bell: Bell finished 20th at Richmond.
“There are four races left until the playoffs,” Bell said. “And 12 drivers have clinched playoff spots. So, for the driver battling for those last four spots, it’s going to be tight. And by ‘it’s,’ I mean their sphincters.”
10. Ross Chastain: Chastain finished 24th at Richmond.
“Many people are saying Cook Out would be a great sponsor for me,” Chastain said. “That’s probably because of the way I ‘drive through’ the competition.”
