Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.
1. Kyle Larson: Larson dominated throughout the day on Sunday, sweeping the stages and leading 181 laps on his way to the win in the Pennzoil 400 at Las Vegas Motor Speedway.
“There wasn’t a car on the track that could challenge me,” Larson said. “You could say I was ‘untouchable,’ which is what advertisers were calling me back in the spring of 2020.”
2. Ryan Blaney: Blaney finished third in the Pennzoil 400.
“I don’t know what Joey Logano was trying to accomplish with his altered driving gloves,” Blaney said. “All I know is this: he surely would not want his proctologist to use a similarly-altered glove.”
3. Kyle Busch: Busch was strong at Vegas, but a pit road penalty shot down his chances for a high finish, and he settled for 26th in the Pennzoil 400.
“My No. 8 Chevy featured the BetMGM paint scheme,” Busch said. “And in Las Vegas, no less. So the shenanigans in the infield campgrounds were slightly different than what you’d see at other tracks because there was a lot of ‘heavy-betting.'”
4. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex came home seventh in the Pennzoil 400.
“The weather sure did play a role in the race,” Truex said. “The story of the race may have been the high winds that impacted all the cars’ handling. Luckily, we were prepared for it, thanks to the accurate forecasts, which were sent to us via the following headline: ‘Breaking: Winds.'”
5. Daniel Suarez: Suarez, last week’s winner at Atlanta, finished 11th in the Pennzoil 400.
“This race was nowhere near as exciting as the Atlanta race,” Suarez said. “In fact, it was the opposite of a ‘photo’ finish, because you’d never want to see it again.”
6. Ross Chastain: Chastain ran up front at Las Vegas, but could not challenge the No. 5 of Kyle Larson and settled for fourth.
“This race lacked the excitement of last week’s barnburner at Atlanta,” Chastain said. “It wasn’t even close to being a photo finish. Kyle Larson made sure of that. It seemed the only relevant photo in Vegas was of Larson’s rear bumper.”
7. William Byron: Byron was solid at Las Vegas and finished 10th in the Pennzoil 400, his second top 10 of the year.
“I had to make an unscheduled pit stop early to remove debris from my grill,” Byron said. “Actually, it was a little bit more than debris; it was a garbage bag. Weird, because I think we’re all used to seeing white trash at the races.”
8. Ty Gibbs: Gibbs finished fifth at Las Vegas, his best finish of the season.
“The pre-race had a distinct Las Vegas Raiders flavor to it,” Gibbs said. “First, that cigar-smoking, tattooed freak Maxx Crosby did a promo for the race, then the Raiders goofy punter A.J. Cole gave the ‘start your engines’ command. All they needed to complete the theme was Raiders owner Mark Davis and his wacky haircut to prove to fans that their haircuts are not that bad.”
9. Chase Elliott: Elliott finished 12th at Las Vegas.
“Michael McDowell’s No. 34 car featured the Love’s truck stops paint scheme,” McDowell said. “That pretty much guarantees him the lot lizard demographic among NASCAR fans.”
10. Joey Logano: Logano started on the pole at Las Vegas, his third pole in a row, but struggled with handling issues and finished ninth.
“That’s right,” Logano said. “Three poles in a row. When I try to hold up three fingers in my ‘special’ gloves, I can’t, because all my fingers are stuck together. I think NASCAR will regret penalizing me for wearing those gloves…….but only if my car wrecks during a race and ends up submerged in a body of water and I have trouble swimming out with just regular human hands.”
