Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.
1. Kyle Larson: Larson edged Chris Buescher by the slightest of margins to win the AdventHealth 400 at Kansas.
“That’s what you call winning by a fraction of a second,” Larson said. “For Chris Buescher, the operative word is ‘second.'”
2. Denny Hamlin: Denny Hamlin won Stage 1 at Kansas and finished fifth.
“I really had some bad luck in a few of my pit stops,” Hamlin. “It seems that your favorite driver was in my way as I tried to leave the pits.”
3. Chase Elliott: Elliott took third at Kansas, right behind the Kyle Larson-Chris Buescher photo finish for the win.
“A thing called ‘aero blocking’ is really a hot topic in NASCAR right now,” Elliott said. “Back in the good old days, ‘aero blocking’ was also a thing; only it was called ‘keeping the car behind you behind you.'”
4. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex finished fourth in the AdventHealth 400.
“I made the bold strategy move to take four tires on the final pit stop,” Truex said. “I came up just short. If the race just could have gone one lap longer, there would not have been a Kyle Larson-Chris Buescher photo finish, and I would have ‘pictured’ myself as the winner.”
5. Chris Buescher: Buescher easily won Stage 2 at Kansas and battled Kyle Larson to the finish line, but came up short by just .001 seconds.
“That was the closest finish in NASCAR history,” Buescher said. “And I was unfortunately on the short end. It was truly a photo finish, so I guess I came up just a bit camera shy.”
6. William Byron: Byron was a non-factor at Kansas, coming home 23rd, one lap down.
“It was a tough day for me,” Byron said, “and a tough one for NASCAR legend Jimmie Johnson, as well. He was in an accident on Lap 176 that collected several cars. I know Jimmie is co-owner of Legacy Motor Club; maybe he should change that name to ‘Tarnished Legacy Motor Club.”
7. Alex Bowman: Bowman finished seventh at Kansas.
“There were quite a few instances of five-wide racing at Kansas,” Bowman said. “Let me tell you, it helps to trust the other four drivers when you’re going five-wide. Some drivers, like Ross Chastain, will actually lobby for your trust. Like, he’ll say ‘Trust me, I’m gonna cause an accident.'”
8. Ryan Blaney: Blaney finished 12th at Kansas.
“Ford is still winless this season,” Blaney said. “‘Built Ford Tough’ is Ford’s motto. For NASCAR’s purposes, maybe that should be ‘In A Ford? Tough.'”
9. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski finished 11th at Kansas.
“My car was primarily sponsored by Consumer Cellular,” Keselowski said. “As you might know, that’s cell phone service for old people, or people who remember my Cup championship.”
10. Tyler Reddick: Reddick finished a disappointing 20th at Kansas.
“Jimmie Johnson gave the ‘Start your engines’ command from inside his car,” Reddick said. “One thing’s for sure, though: Jimmie won’t be inside his car when a race ends.”
