Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.
1. Ryan Blaney: Blaney finished sixth in the Ally 400.
“The winner of the Nashville race wins a Gibson Les Paul guitar,” Blaney said. “That means Joey Logano won the guitar. And Joey holding a guitar looks about as natural as Denny Hamlin holding a Cup championship trophy.”
2. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin started on the pole and had a sure win in hand with a lap to go when Austin Cindric spun after contact with Noah Gragson. After three unsuccessful overtime restarts, Hamlin had no choice but to pit for fuel. Hamlin dropped to 20th and after two more overtime restarts finished 12th.
“At some point,” Hamlin said, “you just gotta say ‘Enough is enough.’ That’s what my fuel tank said.”
3. Kyle Larson: Larson came home eighth in the Ally 400 at Nashville Superspeedway.
“With five overtime restarts and fuel gauges hitting ’empty’ right and left,” Larson said, “there was bound to be a fluky winner. And Joey Logano winning was a fluke. I know that’s crazy to say about a two-time Cup champion, because that’s big time, but Joey’s sucked big time this year.”
4. Christopher Bell: Bell swept Stages 1 and 2 at Nashville, but got loose and slammed the outside wall on lap 228. Bell was done for the race and finished 36th, his sixth result of 30th or worse this season.
“When I tell my team that I’m ‘loose,'” Bell said, “I now have to clarify whether it’s my car or my mouth.”
5. Tyler Reddick: Reddick finished second at Nashville, not quite able to get by Joey Logano in a race defined by five overtime restarts.
“You probably heard about the Bubba Wallace-Aric Almirola incident,” Reddick said. “It happened over a month ago, so I’m not sure why the story didn’t come out sooner. Usually, fights in NASCAR are a big deal. But I guess they’re only a big deal when they involve somewhat relevant drivers.”
6. Chase Elliott: Elliott finished 18th at Nashville after a flurry of overtime restarts extended the race from 300 laps to 331.
“I think NASCAR should revamp its restart procedures in cases in which several cars may run out of fuel,” Elliott said. “I know they won’t because they’re stupid, so I’ve got a radical solution that will help with the issue: fuel gauges displayed in the rear windows of cars.”
7. Ross Chastain: Chastain was solid all day at Nashville but was spun on a chaotic restart in the first overtime restart, sending Chastain’s No. 1 Chevy into the wall, ending his night. He finished 33rd.
“Busch Light is the sponsor on my car,” Chastain said. “And you probably saw commercials for Busch Light Peach. Commercials are made to encourage consumers to try a product. Considering the flavor of Busch Light Peach, it feels more like a dare.”
8. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex finished 24th in the Ally 400 after contact with Daniel Suarez on the final lap. Truex ran in the top 10 for most of the race but was victimized by the sheer volume of restarts and fuel issues.
“My career as a full-time driver is winding down,” Truex said. “But it’s races like this that make me want to say ‘I quit’ right now.”
9. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski made contact with Austin Dillon and spun, sending his rear end into the Turn 2 wall. Keselowski returned to the track after repairs and finished 25th, one lap down.
“Temperatures in Nashville were in the mid-90s during the race,” Keselowski said. “Inside the cars, temperatures approached the 120’s range. Just look at my profile pic—it’s the closest I’ll come to being described as ‘smoking hot.'”
10. Joey Logano: Logano won the Ally 400, with just enough fuel to cross the line in first after five overtime restarts thinned out the field. It was Logano’s first win of the year.
“First of all,” Logano said, “I’d like to thank my crew chief Paul Wolfe for convincing me I had enough fuel. Secondly, I’d like to thank the twenty or so cars that either wrecked or ran out of fuel ahead of me.”
