Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.
1. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin started on the pole at Michigan and finished ninth in the FireKeepers Casino 400. An early slide through the glass hurt Hamlin’s chances of earning his first win at Michigan since 2011.
“My No. 11 Toyota was primarily sponsored by Yahoo,” Hamlin said, “and primarily powered by a ‘search engine.'”
2. Tyler Reddick: Reddick assumed the lead on Lap 188 and led the rest of the way to capture the FireKeepers Casino 400, his second win of the year.
“Of course,” Reddick said, “NASCAR threw a caution when Martin Truex Jr. hit the wall with six laps to go. Truex had the car totally under control, so it didn’t even need to be a caution. If you heard me cursing over my team’s radio, I’ll give you a family-friendly translation: ‘Ba da ba ba baaa, I’m not loving it.'”
3. Kyle Larson: Larson’s day at Michigan ended when he got loose on Lap 115, triggering an accident that collected several cars. Larson finished 34th.
“As they say,” Larson said, “you can’t spell ‘aerodynamics’ without ‘damn.’ Now, I’m going to do something Austin Dillon would not, and apologize to all the drivers I wrecked.”
4. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski finished fifth at Michigan.
“I’m from Michigan,” Keselowski said, “so I know the fans wanted to see me win. And I hear they also wanted to see Jim Harbaugh as my crew chief, just so they can find out who he’d choose as his ‘spotter.'”
5. Ryan Blaney: Blaney won Stage 1 and finished 18th in the FireKeepers Casino 400 at Michigan.
“Were there two cars sponsored by Overstock?” Blaney said. “They might as well be sponsored by ‘Overkill.'”
6. Christopher Bell: Bell was collected on Lap 115 when Kyle Larson lost control and collected several cars. The damage ended Bell’s day and he finished 35th.
“Speeds at Michigan were upwards of 200 miles per hour,” Bell said, “which is approximately what Austin Dillon was doing when he ran into Joey Logano at Richmond.”
7. Chase Elliott: Elliott finished 15th at Michigan.
“That’s just a mediocre result,” Elliott said. “And not really a reason for a celebration down at the Dawsonville Pool Room. But those people don’t need a ‘cue’ to consume alcohol.”
8. William Byron: Byron took the runner-up spot at Michigan and is now 7th in the points standings.
“That was a crazy wreck by Corey LaJoie,” Byron said. “He flipped and slid on his roof for a pretty good distance. ‘Upside down’ is the operative phrase for that team, because LaJoie was ‘upside down’ on the track, and Spire Motorsports is ‘upside down’ on loans.”
9. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex saw a solid finish evaporate when he got loose and smacked the wall on Lap 194. He finished 24th.
“I think NASCAR made the right decision to take the win away from Austin Dillon,” Truex said. “NASCAR could have wimped out and done nothing. So, as it stands, only Austin Dillon is ‘chicken s$#t.'”
10. Kyle Busch: Busch finished fourth at Michigan.
“My brother Kurt was arrested on August 14th on DWI and reckless driving charges in Iredell County,” Busch said. “I can certainly relate. Look, I’ve been there, and by ‘been there,’ I mean ‘in court, pleading guilty.'”
