Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.
1. Kyle Larson: Larson dominated at Darlington, leading 263 laps, but faded late on his way to a fourth-place finish in the Cook Out Southern 500.
“Darlington is a race steeped in NASCAR tradition,” Larson said. “And nothing puts the ‘Southern’ in the ‘Southern 500’ quite like an Australian accent calling the race.”
2. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin finished seventh at Darlington.
“Is Richard Childress the biggest crybaby in NASCAR?” Hamlin said. “He must be. He still thinks his grandson Austin Dillon’s actions at Richmond should not be penalized. Talk about an entitled @%#$^&. Of course, I could be talking about Childress or Dillon.”
3. Tyler Reddick: Reddick’s No. 45 Toyota was fast, but he was afflicted with stomach issues all race long. But the 23XI driver toughed it out and finished 10th and won the regular season title.
“I did some unspeakable things in the cockpit of my car,” Reddick said. “My crew was actually calling me ‘Austin Cindric,’ because I was driving the ‘No. 2’ car.”
4. Christopher Bell: Bell finished third in the Cook Out Southern 500.
“Darlington is one of the longest races on the schedule,” Bell said. “And I don’t just mean for drivers. Some fans have actually been known to sober up during the race.”
5. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski finished 14th at Darlington.
“Luckily,” Keselowski said, “I had already clinched a playoff spot, so my race was fairly drama-free. I wasn’t on the playoff bubble. I guess, in the context of this race, the ‘playoff bubble’ was what was going on in Tyler Reddick’s stomach.”
6. Chase Elliott: Elliott struggled at Darlington but put up a late charge to finish 11th in the Cook Out Southern 500.
“I wasn’t much of a factor on Sunday,” Elliott said. “I mean, it could have been worse. I could have been the car that finished directly behind Tyler Reddick. Talk about a debris caution. So much for clean air.”
7. Ryan Blaney: Blaney was knocked out of the race just two laps in when Martin Truex Jr. lost control and slammed into Blaney’s No. 12 Penske Ford. The damage eliminated both cars, with Blaney finishing last in 37th.
“Martin was man enough to take responsibility for the accident,” Blaney said. “He even called himself an ‘idiot.’ It’s refreshing to see someone in this sport with the integrity to call themselves that. If only someone else had the integrity to call their grandson an idiot.”
8. Kyle Busch: Busch was unable to chase down Chase Briscoe in the closing laps at Darlington and took the runner-up spot. Needing a win to advance, he will miss the Playoffs.
“My No. 8 car was primarily sponsored by Morgan And Morgan,” Busch said. “They are a personal injury law firm, and I can proudly say that not only does M & M call me a client, they often call me a defendant.”
9. Chase Briscoe: Briscoe drove his way into the Playoffs, dramatically holding off Kyle Busch in the closing laps to win the Cook Out Southern 500.
“Stewart-Haas Racing is closing its doors after this season,” Briscoe said, “so I’m very hesitant to say I’m ‘fired’ up for the Playoffs.”
10. Bubba Wallace: Wallace started on the pole and finished 16th in the Cook Out Southern 500, a result that wasn’t quite good enough to clinch a playoff spot.
“Michael Jordan was in the pits again offering his support,” Wallace said. “He’s put a lot of money into the 23XI Racing team. I don’t know exactly how much, but if Michael’s invested just half as much in this team as he’s lost on the golf course, then 23XI should be worth billions.”
