Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.
1. Ryan Blaney: Blaney blasted by Chase Elliott on Lap 486 and pulled away to win the Xfinity 500 at Martinsville, clinching a spot in the Championship 4.
“This is exactly how I did it last year to make it through to the final at Phoenix,” Blaney said. “Pardon my French, but I guess this was a case of ‘Deja Through.'”
2. William Byron: Byron finished sixth and grabbed the final Championship 4 spot based on points.
“With the Liberty University logo on my car,” Byron said, “I really wanted to advance in the Playoffs not just for my team and my fans, but for Jerry Falwell, Jr. as well. Because when I’m doing my thing, I really like to know that people are watching.”
3. Chase Elliott: Elliott started second and won Stage 1, but couldn’t hold off Ryan Blaney down the stretch and finished second. Elliott failed to advance to the Championship 4.
“Blaney just had too much car,” Elliott said. “He also has too much beard. I think what I’m saying is Ryan the driver, not Ryan’s car, needs some ‘race trim.'”
4. Joey Logano: Logano started 12th and finished 10th in the Xfinity 500.
“And then there were four,” Logano said. “After Phoenix, there will be one. And that’s simple enough math that even NASCAR fans can understand.”
5. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin finished fifth at Martinsville and failed to advance to the final at Phoenix.
“I had a big crash in practice when my throttle stuck,” Hamlin said. “I backed myself into a huge hole. Only I wasn’t going backward, I was going forward, really fast, and actually saw the hole, but I couldn’t stop, because my throttle was stuck.”
6. Christopher Bell: Bell spun early at Martinsville and put himself in an early hole. But a daring last-lap kamikaze dash temporarily put him in position to advance to the championship round. But NASCAR deemed his maneuver a safety violation and penalized Bell four positions, which gave William Byron the final spot in the Championship 4.
“NASCAR said I was ‘riding the wall,'” Bell said. “Now I’m going to be ‘riding the pine‘ while I watch four other drivers vie for the Cup.”
7. Alex Bowman: Bowman overcame a late power steering issue to finish 13th in the Xfinity 500.
“It was a wild finish,” Bowman said. “And it’s too bad Christopher Bell was penalized for ‘Chastaining.’ I thought it would have been pretty cool and pretty mind-blowing if Bell would have smashed a watermelon in anger after learning of the penalty.”
8. Kyle Larson: Larson, like Chase Elliott, was unable to hold off Ryan Blaney at the end at Martinsville. Larson finished third, but it wasn’t good enough to advance.
“I’d like to congratulate my Hendrick teammate William Byron on advancing to the Championship 4,” Byron said. “He did it all by himself, with not a lick of luck, without a hint of a favorable NASCAR ruling, and without any help from other Chevy drivers running interference for him.”
9. Tyler Reddick: Reddick finished 34th at Martinsville.
“Having already qualified for the Championship 4,” Reddick said, “I had nothing to gain by winning at Martinsville, except a bulky grandfather clock that probably doesn’t even tell time.”
10. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex started on the pole and finished a disappointing 24th at Martinsville, two laps down.
“I’ve had success in many NASCAR series,” Truex said. “And speaking of ‘series,’ 2024 has been a series of disappointments.”
