Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.
1. Kyle Busch: Busch took third at Pocono and remained atop the Monster Energy Cup points standings.
“Martin Truex Jr. interjected him into the Cup favorite conversation,” Busch said. “And I think a lot of people are pulling for him over me and Kevin Harvick. Kevin and I are not fan favorites; Martin is. But that’s not the full story. Martin can be ruthless and cold-blooded. Don’t let that smile fool you. While Harvick and I are the bad guys, Truex’s act is a ‘good guise.'”
2. Kevin Harvick: Harvick led 89 laps and finished fourth at Pocono, posting his 10th top 5 of the season.
“I’ve gone two races without a win,” Harvick said. “That’s two too many, and also too, too many. I know it sounds like I’m too’ting my own horn. But I’m not. That’s DeLana’s Twitter job.”
3. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex pulled away on a restart with seven laps to go and held off Kyle Larson to win the Pocono 400.
“I just wanted to send a message to Kevin Harvick and Kyle Busch,” Truex said. “That message is this: I am a big dog, and I plan on staying on the porch. Also, they should get used to their ‘noses’ in my ‘rear end.'”
4. Joey Logano: Logano finished ninth at Pocono, recording his eleventh top 10 of the year.
“It was an uneventful day for the most part at Pocono,” Logano said. “And therein lies the problem with attendance at NASCAR: races are so boring, fans are ‘un-eventing‘ them.”
5. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski took fifth at Pocono, recording his fourth top-five result of the season.
“Dr. Henry Bock passed away recently,” Keselowski said. “He played a huge role in the creation of the SAFER barrier. I’m sure Dr. Bock will be in heaven, and when it’s my time, I, like many who have been protected by the SAFER barrier, hope to ‘run into him’ up there.”
6. Kurt Busch: Busch started sixth and finished 19th at Pocono.
“How about the GM executive who wrecked the pace car at the Detroit Grand Prix?” Busch said. “The crash left a field of debris, leading some to say he needed to ‘pick up the pace.’ But let’s give the man a break. He’s a big-time company big shot, not a race car driver. And I’m sure to be an executive in such a position, it takes a certain amount of ‘drive.’ He just didn’t have it in Detroit.”
7. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson led his first laps of the season at Pocono and came home eighth at Long Pond’s tri-oval.
“That’s right,” Johnson said, “I led two laps. That’s two more than the pace car at the Detroit Grand Prix.”
8. Kyle Larson: Larson finished second at Pocono as his quest to chase down Martin Truex Jr. in the closing laps failed. Larson is ninth in the Monster Energy Cup points standings, 199 behind Kyle Busch.
“Truex just had too much car,” Larson said. “But I should have executed better on that final restart. But I can forgive myself because I have the absolute right to pardon myself.”
9. Ryan Blaney: Blaney started on the pole at Pocono and raced to a sixth-place finish.
“As pole-sitter,” Blaney said, “let me be the first to commend the pace car driver for a job well done. Like he was supposed to, he led the field to green, as opposed to leading the field to yellow, which was the case at the Indy Car Detroit Grand Prix. I guess it could have been worse. The last time an ‘Indy-ana pacer’ lost control in Detroit, you had the ‘Malice In The Palace.”
10. Clint Bowyer: Bowyer finished 20th at Pocono and now sits sixth in the points standings, 171 out of first.
“I’ve never been involved in a race in which the pace car wrecked,” Bowyer said. “I have, however, been involved in a race in which there was a mysterious spin.”
