Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.
1. Kevin Harvick: Harvick took the win in the rain-delayed and rain-shortened Bass Pro Shops NRA Night Race at Bristol. Harvick passed Denny Hamlin for the lead, and the rain returned soon after.
“It took nearly 24 hours for me to claim the victory,” Harvick said. “That’s what’s called ‘weathering the storm.’ Afterward, I was showered with adulation. And this win, my second of the season, has ‘whet’ my appetite for more. And that, my friends, is the end of my watered down plays on words.”
2. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski’s No. 2 Penske Ford was collected in a wreck on lap 374 when Kurt Busch got loose and started a chain reaction wreck. Keselowski finished 33rd.
“Kurt Busch took full responsibility,” Keselowski said, “but only for avenging his brother Kyle after I wrecked him on Friday night.”
3. Kyle Busch: Busch dominated the early and middle portions of Sunday’s race at Bristol before a malfunction sent him spinning up the track, and subsequently rammed by the No. 46 car of Justin Allgaier. The damaged ended Busch’s day, and he finished 39th.
“I called Allgaier and his spotter ‘morons,’” Busch said. “They were accused of incompetence. I was accused of being understated.”
4. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin led 19 laps at Bristol and finished third, posting his eighth top-five finish of the year. He is seventh in the Sprint Cup points standings, 103 out of first.
“I didn’t get the win,” Hamlin said, “but I’m certainly pleased with a third-place finish. Championships have been built on the strength of top-five finishes, so I’m happy to leave on that note. And, with all the rain we saw in Bristol, I’m riding on a wave of momentum.”
5. Joey Logano: Logano finished 10th at Bristol, scoring his ninth top-10 finish in the last 11 races.
“The Bristol race was jointly sponsored by Bass Pro Shops and the National Rifle Association,” Logano said. “Can you believe it? It’s a tale of water and guns that even an American Olympian in Brazil couldn’t make up.”
6. Kurt Busch: Busch was battling for the lead on lap 374 when he got loose and spun, collecting and damaging several cars, including those of Brad Keselowski, Matt Kenseth, Jimmie Johnson, and Chase Elliott. Busch finished 38th.
“I took full blame for the accident,” Busch said, “which is always difficult, because, in the Busch family, we make it a habit of not taking responsibility for our actions.”
7. Carl Edwards: Edwards started on the pole for the fifth time this season and finished sixth in the Bass Pro Shops NRA Night Race at Bristol, which, due to rain, was run on Sunday.
“They call me ‘Mr. Pole,’” Edwards said. “And by ‘they’ I don’t mean any of my ex-girlfriends. By ‘they,’ I mean the good folks over at Bass Pro Shops. They know poles. As for the National Rifle Association, they have a nickname for me as well. I win a lot of poles, but I don’t win them all. That’s why the NRA calls me ‘Semi-Automatic’ in qualifying.”
8. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex finished 23rd at Bristol, and is now eighth in the points standings, 123 out of first.
“As you know,” Truex said, “Furniture Row Racing moved from Chevy power to Toyota to start the 2016 season. Not that we’d forget, but all the rain at Bristol reminded us that we’re under the Toyota/Joe Gibbs Racing umbrella.”
9. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson bounced back from a 40th-place finish at Watkins Glen with a seventh at Bristol. He is ninth in the points standings, 150 out of first.
“Weather definitely was a factor at Bristol,” Johnson said. “It reminded me a lot of the time after my six straight Sprint Cup championship when everyone was asking. ‘Who’ll stop the reign?’”
10. Austin Dillon: Dillon raced to a fourth-place finish at Bristol, earning his fourth top five of the season. He moved up two places to 11th in the Sprint Cup points standings.
“I think fans were happy to see the No. 3 car do well at Bristol,” Dillon said. “Personally, I felt empowered driving the car made famous by Dale Earnhardt. The only thing that could have my day better would have been putting the No. 3 into Victory Lane, or putting the No. 5 car into the wall. No offense to Terry Labonte.”
