Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.
1. Kyle Busch: Busch, seeking his fourth consecutive victory, finished 13th in the Geico 500 at Talladega, and remained atop the Monster Energy Cup points standings.
“I’ll have to ask my brother Kurt a question,” Busch said. “How do you not win at Talladega when you’re running second with a teammate right behind you? Come on. In that situation, you’ve got to partner up and make the pass for the win. Heck. I’ve seen better teamwork at Red Bull Racing in Formula 1.”
2. Kevin Harvick: Harvick started on the pole at Talladega and finished fourth at Talladega.
“I couldn’t quite make it to the front,” Harvick said. “At Talladega, it’s all about the draft. Of course, having a flannel paint scheme can’t be conducive to aerodynamics.”
3. Joey Logano: Logano snapped a 36-race winless streak with the win at Talladega, leading the final 40 laps while holding off Kevin Harvick and Kurt Busch.
“I finally got the monkey off my back,” Logano said. “So, I guess you could call this an unencumbered win.
“Matt Kenseth is returning to NASCAR in 2018. Of course, he’s still finalizing details of his contract with Roush Fenway Racing. That really concerned me, because the last time Matt said he had some ‘unfinished business,’ it meant big trouble for me.”
4. Clint Bowyer: Bowyer was collected in the second of two big crashes late at Talladega and finished 31st.
“It really sucks to have your day ended through no fault of your own,” Bowyer said. “And it makes me mad. I can certainly relate to what Indy Car driver James Hinchcliffe recently discussed because I know what it’s like to be ‘pissed in a race car.'”
5. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski won Stage 1 at Talladega, but was collected in a late pile-up triggered by contact between Hendrick Motorsports teammates Jimmie Johnson and William Byron. Keselowski finished 33rd.
“Had we stayed in the race,” Keselowski said, “we could have done some damage. Unfortunately, the damage was done to me.”
6. Ryan Blaney: Blaney started 23rd and finished 18th at Talladega, and is eighth in the Monster Energy Cup points standings.
“Attendance at Talladega was great,” Blaney said. “No matter where you view the race, there’s not a bad seat in the house. But the best seat is in one of the luxury boxes set high above the start/finish line. They’re called ‘Suite Home Alabama.'”
7. Denny Hamlin: After racing up front for most of the day at Talladega, Hamlin suffered two late speeding penalties and fell to 14th. He is seventh in the Monster Energy Cup points standings, 133 out of first.
“I was penalized for speeding while trying to serve my penalty for speeding,” Hamlin said. “And I lost my cool a little bit. Maybe I need a figure of authority to control me, like a ‘governor,’ for example.”
8. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex finished 26th at Talladega, four laps off the lead lap.
“Auburn coach Gus Malzahn served as Grand Marshall for the race,” Truex said. “That made about half the race crowd happy. I imagine in order to please the whole crowd, Judge Roy Moore would have to give the command to fire the motors. I’m not sure he could handle the duty. He’d probably just say ‘Ladies, start my engine.'”
9. Aric Almirola: Almirola took seventh in the Geico 500 on a solid day for Stewart-Haas Racing, as teammates Kurt Busch and Kevin Harvick finished second and fourth, respectively.
“Busch or Harvick should have won that race,” Almirola said. “Kurt made his move too early, and Kevin wasn’t ready. That really threw a wrench into Harvick’s plans on winning, as well as his balls.”
10. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson finished 12th in the Geico 500.
“I was the cause of one of Sunday’s ‘Big Ones,'” Johnson said. “That wreck took out a lot of cars. But you know what they say: ‘If it’s ‘plate’ racing, somebody’s bound to get ‘forked.'”