A satirical look at some of the headlines we might see during the 2021 NASCAR Cup Series season.
*FedEx introduces a new “6-Hour Delivery” option, and features it on Denny Hamlin’s No. 11 car at Daytona, and in a television ad, in which Hamlin utters the slogan, “You Have Got To Be Shipping Me.”
Hamlin wins at Daytona on February 14th, and goes on to win his first Cup championship.
*Corey LaJoie has a political revelation and does a complete 180 when his car at Homestead on February 28th sports a “Hindsight Is 2020” slogan.
*The full maturation of Kyle Busch becomes apparent when he is ticketed in Florida in March for driving under the minimum speed limit. It is short-lived, as a frustrated Busch peels out after receiving the ticket and is subsequently charged with reckless driving.
Busch returns to form with six wins on the season and joins Denny Hamlin, Kevin Harvick, and upstart Matt DiBenedetto in the championship round at Phoenix.
*In May, leaked emails reveal that Haylee Deegan’s sensitivity training instructor was none other than Tony Stewart, an eight-time sensitivity training graduate and Professor Emeritus of sensitivity training schools, where he earned the nickname “Dean Of Mean.”
Deegan tangles with John Hunter Nemechek at Bristol on March 27th, sending them both into the wall and out of the race. The two argue, and Nemechek accuses Deegan of calling him the “R” word. Deegan doesn’t deny the allegation and explains that the “R” stood for “Responsible.”
*On May 22nd, Jimmie Johnson fills in for an injured Tony Kanaan and qualifies on the fifth row for the Indianapolis 500, but not before running eight laps around Indy’s 2.5-mile circuit, swimming 50 laps of the infield lake, and biking 20 laps.
Johnson finishes 19th in the 500, and records his best result of the season with a second at Laguna Seca on September 19th.
*Bubba Wallace is listed as a 60-1 longshot to win at Talladega on April 25, odds which attract the attention of team co-owner Michael Jordan. Jordan contemplates placing a $200,000 wager on Wallace to win, and after consulting with Pete Rose on betting ethics, goes against Rose’s advice and decides not to place the bet. After a wreck-filled race, Wallace wins in overtime, and Jordan laments not winning $12 million.
*On March 28th at Bristol, Ryan Blaney takes the dirt track win and celebrates by kissing the track surface. The action triggers a panic attack, caused by the emergence of repressed memories of a traumatic event from 2018 at Martinsville, where Blaney was ninja-smooched on the lips by an overzealous, snuff-dipping super fan.
Blaney wins four races on the year, including his second consecutive Talladega spring race.
*Chase Elliott’s new all-Hooters employees fan club, the “Woo-Hooters,” cheer the defending Cup champion to a six-win season, including three road course wins. Elliott is also the points leader as the championship commences at Darlington.
Elliott fails to advance to the Round Of 8 after spinning late while leading at Charlotte in the Bank Of America ROVAL 400.
*Martin Truex Jr. wins at Watkins Glen on August 8, where an unfortunate typo lists him as the winner of the “Go Blowing At The Glen,” a term that becomes a popular meme and bad news for anyone named “Glen” or “Glenn.”
Truex posts three wins on the year and advances to the Round Of 8 in the playoffs.
*Kevin Harvick wins the Dixie Vodka 400 at Homestead on February 28 to take his first win of the year. Harvick celebrates in Victory Circle with a shot of Dixie Vodka chased by a can of Busch Light, a drink Harvick dubs the “Vodka Sonic.”
*A crazed lunatic in a hockey mask terrorizes Martinsville Speedway on October 31 before the running of the Xfinity 500, causing mass panic and a brief track lockdown. As it turns out, the stunt was the brainchild of NBC’s Rutledge Wood in an effort to publicize his new show on the “Shudder” platform called “America’s Most Haunted Sports Cars.”
*At Richmond on April 18th, new Fox commentator Clint Bowyer is accused of obvious bias for his former Stewart-Haas Racing team, and Bowyer again finds himself in another “intentional spin” controversy at Richmond.
*On July 4, Xfinity drivers Harrison Burton and Noah Gragson meet in a four-round charity boxing match that, despite going the distance, somehow features less action than their five-second fistfight at Kentucky Speedway in July of 2020.
The bout, titled “Throw Hands Throw Down,” sports a .01 pay-per-view buy rate, but raises $150,000 and attracts the attention of YouTuber brother/douchebag duo Jake and Logan Paul, who challenge Burton and Gragson to a tag-team contest at All Elite Wrestling’s October Twitter-sponsored PPV, “Trick Or Tweet.”