Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.
1. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin led late at Kansas, but tagged the wall, bringing out the caution. Hamlin wound up in 12th, and remained winless on the year.
“I have plenty of top 5’s and top 10’s,” Hamlin said, “but where wins are concerned, I’ve ‘hit a wall.’
“But my goal still is to win the Cup championship. Is the weight of expectations too much to bear? I can’t say for sure. All I know is the weight of expectations and this monkey on my back weigh exactly the same.”
2. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski started on the pole at Kansas and finished third, the only Penske Racing driver to crack the top 15.
“Kyle Busch won the race,” Keselowski said. “As is well documented, I’m not a big fan of Kyle’s. But Sunday was his birthday, and he did win the race, so I’ll give him his due, although I still think he’s an ass. Turns out you can have your cake and ‘eat me’ too.”
3. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex finished sixth at Kansas as Joe Gibbs Racing teammate Kyle Busch took the victory.
“This race was named the ‘Buschy McBusch Race 400,'” Truex said. “Don’t ask me how that name was arrived at. Was it named by a bunch of first-graders? Or was it named by a bunch of NASCAR fans with first-grade educations who were willing to donate $1 to have their incredibly non-creative voices heard?”
4. William Byron: Byron finished ninth at Kansas, recording his ninth consecutive top-10 finish.
“Kansas native Clint Bowyer got to play catch with Patrick Mahomes,” Harvick said. “Mahomes throws a nice spiral, so I’m sure Clint felt quite comfortable with the ‘intentional spin.'”
5. Kevin Harvick: Harvick seized the opportunity on a wild restart late in the race to capture the runner-up spot at Kansas.
“I’m happy with the second place,” Harvick said, “but I’m exhausted. That race took a lot out of me. From the name of the race, to the sponsor on my car, to the actor serving as the grand marshal, to the winner of the race, I’m ‘Busched.'”
6. Joey Logano: Logano finished 17th at Kansas.
“I’m just happy I didn’t get airborne at Kansas like I did at Talladega,” Logano said. “That was a scary feeling. It feels like gravity takes your crotch and sends it up to your chest. And that’s the true meaning of an ‘aero package.'”
7. Kyle Busch: Busch was strong throughout the day in Kansas, and aced two late restarts to win the Buschy McBusch Race 400, his first win of 2021.
“It was my birthday,” Busch said. “I’m no Chase Elliott in popularity, so of course not one driver got me a cake. But that’s probably because they can’t hold a candle to Kyle Busch.”
8. Chase Elliott: Elliott came home fifth in the Buschy McBusch Race 400 at Kansas.
“The ‘NASCAR 2021 Fan Pack’ is coming to Rocket League,” Elliott said. “Rocket League combines racing and soccer and is one of the most popular video games. It’s obviously an attempt by NASCAR to attract a younger audience. And to NASCAR, a ‘younger audience’ is simply an audience below the legal drinking age.”
9. Ryan Blaney: Blaney tangled with Kyle Larson late and fell out of contention, resulting in a 21st-place finish for Blaney.
“Anthony Alfredo was driving a car with the words ‘Dude Wipes’ on it,” Blaney said. “It’s official–NASCAR sponsorship is going down the toilet.”
10. Kyle Larson: Larson led a race-high 132 laps, but botched two late restarts, eventually making contact with Ryan Blaney and spinning out. Larson finished 19th.
“I made mistakes,” Larson said. “But I’m sure I will learn from those mistakes, move on, and become a better person/driver. Again.”