Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.
1. Kyle Larson: Larson took charge in Stage 3 and held off Chase Elliott to win at Watkins Glen, earning his fifth win of the season.
“This was a lot like my win at Sonoma in June,” Larson said. “There, I held off Elliott late, just like I did at Watkins Glen. Trust me, life is so much better when you don’t ‘get caught.'”
2. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin finished fifth in the Go Bowling At The Glen.
“Michael Jordan was at the race,” Hamlin said. “He was watching from the pits of Bubba Wallace’s No. 23 car, which we co-own. When Michael heard he’d be watching from the ‘pits,’ he got really excited, because he thought it would be in a casino.”
3. Chase Elliott: Elliott started from the rear and almost pulled off the “worst-to-first” win, but couldn’t catch Hendrick teammate Kyle Larson, who scored his fifth win.
“I failed pre-race inspection twice,” Elliott said. “Yeah, I said ‘twice.’ That’s a big ‘no-no.’ In any case, I had to start at the rear and my crew chief Alan Gustafson was ejected. Did it matter? Not really. I still was able to almost win the race, despite the penalties. Do I feel guilty about that? Yes, way more guilty than I feel about actually committing the penalties.”
4. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex won Stage 2 and finished a strong third at Watkins Glen.
“I’m disappointed,” Truex said. “Mostly because I didn’t fail inspection twice, didn’t have my crew chief ejected, and didn’t start from the rear, yet I still finished behind the guy who did. It’s hard to have a meaningful penalty in NASCAR when they are actually meaningless.”
5. Kyle Busch: Busch finished fourth at Watkins Glen, sandwiched between Joe Gibbs Racing teammates Martin Truex Jr. and Denny Hamlin.
“My brother Kurt is still looking for a ride for next season,” Busch said. “I told him if I hear of a team looking for a driver, I’d let him now. In other words, my ears will be ‘perked up,’ just not surgically.”
6. Alex Bowman: Bowman came home 20th at Watkins Glen, the only Hendrick Motorsports driver outside the top-6.
“How about You Tuber Tyler Hoover giving the ‘Start your engines’ command,” Bowman said. “That voice made me want to start my engine, then get as far away from him as possible. Hey, I like Norwegian death metal just as much as the next guy, but I like my grand marshals a bit more subdued.”
7. William Byron: Byron finished sixth in the Go Bowling At The Glen as Hendrick Motorsports teammates Kyle Larson and Chase Elliott scrapped for the win.
“Larson and Elliott really led the way for Hendrick Motorsports,” Byron said. “Those guys dominate road courses. I like to think Alex and I are called the road course ‘B Team’ just because of our last names.”
8. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished eighth at Watkins Glen.
“Once again,” Harvick said, “my No. 4 Chevy sported the Busch Light Apple paint scheme. If you like Busch, and you like apples, you’re probably a reasonable person. If you like them together, you’re probably insane. But, by all means, buy a 12-pack.”
9. Joey Logano: Logano won Stage 1 at Watkins Glen and eventually finished 22nd.
“It was not a good day for Fords at Watkins Glen,” Logano said. “If Henry Ford were alive today, he’d be steaming. Actually, I guess he’d be combusting.”
10. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski started on the pole at Watkins Glen and finished 35th in the GoBowling At The Glen.
“I suffered two spins in Stage 1 alone,” Keselowski said. “It was a brake issue, so I told my crew exactly what you’d expect, ‘Make it stop.'”