Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.
1. Kyle Larson: Larson posted a sixth in the Federated Auto Parts 400 Salute To First Responders.
“I started from the rear after failing pre-race inspection twice,” Larson said. “There was this one time in E-Racing when I failed during-race inspection.”
2. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin dominated early at Richmond, winning Stages 1 and 2, but couldn’t track down Martin Truex Jr. in the final stage for the win. Hamlin settled for the runner-up spot.
“I easily won the first two stages,” Hamlin said. “That’s called a ‘sweep,’ and believe you me, I can certainly find a use for that broom, because there’s some things I’d like to sweep under a rug.”
3. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex overcame a penalty for jumping the start at the green flag at Richmond, but easily made his way back to the front. He took the lead late when Kyle Busch was penalized for pit road speeding. Truex held off Denny Hamlin to secure the win.
“Formula 1 driver Valtteri Bottas once said, ‘It’s not how you start, it’s how you Finnish.’ He’s from Finland, by the way.
“Given a few more laps, I’m sure Denny would have passed me. So, I know it pains him to lose. And it probably pains him more to lose to me, because my last name is ‘Truex,’ and the ‘Ex’ part of that is an unfortunate reminder for Denny.”
4. Chase Elliott: Elliott fell a lap down after a slow pit stop midway through the race at Richmond, but recovered to post a fourth.
“That pit stop could have been disastrous,” Elliott said. “But if you think a mistake in the pits is going to stop this team, then you don’t know ‘jack.'”
5. Joey Logano: Logano finished fifth at Richmond, posting his ninth top-five of the season.
“I’m right where I want to be in the playoff standings,” Logano said. “I plan to be there at the end. Unlike my Penske teammate Brad Keselowski, I’m in it for the long haul.”
6. Kevin Harvick: Harvick posted a solid eighth in the Federated Auto Parts 400 Salute To First Responders.
“My car was primarily sponsored by Hunt Brothers Pizza and Busch Light,” Harvick said. “So being the No. 4 car makes total sense, because if you pair your Hunt Bros. Pizza with Busch Light, you almost certainly get two No. 2’s.”
7. Ryan Blaney: Blaney finished 10th at Richmond.
“Here’s a joke making the rounds,” Blaney said. “How many letters are there in the ‘Kyle Busch alphabet?’ The answer: 52: two S’s and 50G’s.”
8. Kyle Busch: Busch’s victory aspirations were derailed by a late pit road speeding penalty that resulted in a costly drive-through penalty.
“I can’t blame anyone but myself,” Busch said, “but by golly, I’m gonna try.
“My No. 18 Toyota sported the familiar M&M’s paint scheme. In light of my colorful language at Darlington, I’m surprised my car didn’t also have two ‘F’s‘ to go along with those two ‘M’s.'”
9. Alex Bowman: Bowman came home 12th at Richmond.
“The playoff field gets cut down to 12 drivers after the upcoming Bristol race,” Bowman said. “That’s called an ‘elimination’ race, so just for a night, the ‘Last Great Colosseum’ will be called the ‘Last Great Colo-see-you.'”
10. William Byron: Byron struggled at Richmond and finished 19th.
“The No. 00 Chevy of Quin Houff sported the ‘Trucker Appreciation’ paint scheme,” Byron said. “And that proves that this race was ‘rigged.'”