Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.
1. Kyle Larson: Larson took two tires during the final pit stop and assumed the lead at Las Vegas. But Hendrick teammate Alex Bowman got the best of Larson and took the win as Larson settled for the runner-up spot.
“Hopefully, I think I’ve smoothed things over with Chase Elliott,” Larson said. “We may not see eye to eye, mostly because Chase insists things should be an eye for an eye.
“But one thing we can agree on is the use of the abbreviation ‘MF.’ Of course, our meanings of the abbreviation differ greatly. All I can tell you is to me, it means ‘my fault.'”
2. Kyle Busch: After a spin into the wall in Saturday practice, Busch was forced to resort to a backup car on Sunday. He steadily made his way to the front and led with three laps to go before a late caution ultimately cost him the win.
“Nothing is more upsetting than ruining your primary car in practice,” Busch said. “Trust me, I was in a panic after that. My car may have had ‘Ethel M Chocolates’ on it, but my driver’s suit had ‘Fudge Stripe’ in it.
“But Erik Jones really screwed us when he lost control and caused that final caution. Erik used to be a Joe Gibbs Racing driver. Apparently, whether driving for JGR or not, Erik is still a liability.”
3. Martin Truex, Jr.: Truex surged late and was battling with Kyle Busch for the win when a caution flew with two laps to go. Truex and Busch took four tires but lost track position, and Truex eventually finished eighth.
“My battle with Kyle should have been for the win,” Truex said. “That’s what racing is all about. Two of NASCAR’s all-time bests going head to head. Some would call it ‘great versus great.’ Others would call it ‘good versus evil.'”
4. Alex Bowman: Bowman out-dragged Kyle Larson after a late restart and held on to win the Pennzoil 400.
“I think I speak for most, but not all, of Hendrick Motorsports drivers when I say nothing is safer than racing side by side with Kyle Larson with the outcome on the line, ” Bowman said.
5. Aric Almirola: Almirola finished sixth in the Pennzoil 400 and is the only driver with a top 10 finish in all three races this year.
“That’s called ‘consistency,'” Almirola said. “And as the NASCAR playoff format, and Mark Martin can tell you, consistency will get you nowhere.”
6. Joey Logano: Logano finished 14th at Las Vegas and is third in the points standings.
“The average age of this season’s three race-winners is approximately 27,” Logano said. “As a 31-year-old, that makes me feel somewhat ancient. But they all have something I want, which is a race victory, as well as a non-receding hairline and 20/20 vision.”
7. Ryan Blaney: Blaney was collected when Brad Keselowski got loose and spun on lap 104. Blaney finished 36th.
“Brad just seems to be in the wrong place at the wrong time,” Blaney said. “Or I should say, given his history of accidents this year, Brad seems to be in the wrong place every time.”
8. Austin Dillon: Dillon finished 11th at Las Vegas and is ninth in the points standings.
“How about this ‘Next Generation’ car?” Dillon said. “And how about these ‘Next Generation’ sponsors? Like Tyler Reddick’s sponsor, 3Chi, which is a supplier of cannabinoids. Cannabinoids is just a fancy way of saying ‘marijuana,’ much like ‘dysentery’ is a fancy way of saying ‘Martinsville hot dog.'”
9. Chase Elliott: Elliott finished ninth at Las Vegas.
“Did Kyle Larson really not see me when he ran me into the wall at Fontana?” Elliott said. “Maybe. Did I spin on purpose after that incident in an attempt to ruin Larson’s shot at winning? I won’t dignify that with an answer, but I will say that I went to a casino with Clint Bowyer, where we played roulette, and we both did, in fact, ‘intentionally’ spin the roulette wheel.”
10. Austin Cindric: Daytona 500 champ Cindric finished 19th ay Las Vegas.
“Denny Hamlin broke a gear on Lap 219,” Cindric said. “And a lot of drivers sarcastically said to Denny, ‘You’ve got no gears.’ And Denny of course replied, ‘No shift, Sherlock.'”