Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.
1. William Byron: Byron held off Joey Logano in overtime at Martinsville to win the Blu-Emu Maximum Pain Relief 400, Byron’s second straight win.
“I also won the Truck race on Thursday,” Byron said “which means I left Martinsville with two grandfather clocks. It’s the greatest example of ‘two-timing’ in NASCAR since Jeff Gordon’s marriage.”
2. Ryan Blaney: Blaney finished fourth at Martinsville, posting his third top-five of the year.
“I’m still looking for my first win,” Blaney said. “I’m sure it will come in due time. Obviously, it’s all about confidence, and I’m extremely confident, even though I’m winless. Who’s better than Ryan Blaney? ‘No won.'”
3. Chase Elliott: Elliott started on the pole and led the first 185 laps, winning the first two stages before fading late to finish 10th.
“It was like Christmas in April at Martinsville,” Elliott said. “Why do I say that? Because there was wintry weather and a boring ‘parade.'”
4. Joey Logano: Logano was running second at the overtime restart at Martinsville, but couldn’t get around William Byron, who controlled the final two laps for the win. Logano’s runner-up finish left him fourth in the points standings, 27 behind Chase Elliott.
“I got close enough to bump Byron once,” Logano said. “If I had it to do over, I would have bumped him harder. I’m pretty disappointed that I didn’t knock Byron out of the way. Just think, all this time, Matt Kenseth thought I had learned my lesson.”
5. Ross Chastain: Chastain came home fifth at Martinsville, and is fifth in the points standings, 42 out of first.
“The start of the race was delayed for an hour due to rain and sleet,” Chastain said. “What else is cold and wet and lasts an hour at Martinsville? A 12-pack.”
6. Chase Briscoe: Briscoe came home ninth at Martinsville.
“Dale Earnhardt Jr. raced in Friday’s Xfinity race,” Briscoe said, “and shared a few beers with some fellow drivers after the race. That story is wholesomely known as Dale Earnhardt’s alcohol ‘content,’ and has nothing to do with how much he drank.”
7. Alex Bowman: Bowman finished 12th at Martinsville.
“I can’t wait for the Bristol Dirt Race on Sunday,” Bowman said. “And, it also takes place on Easter Sunday. It’s a race fan’s dream: Bristol, on dirt, on Easter. It’s practically the Holy Trinity.'”
8. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex struggled at Martinsville, finishing 22nd.
“It wasn’t the greatest day for Joe Gibbs Racing,” Truex said. “But it wasn’t a lost weekend for Joe Gibbs. On Friday, he got to witness his grandson Ty, who was wearing his helmet, punch Sam Mayer, who wasn’t wearing his helmet.
9. Aric Almirola: Almirola finished eighth at Martinsville, posting his first top 10 since Las Vegas on March 6.
“Darrell Waltrip will serve as the guest analyst for Fox at the upcoming Bristol Dirt Race,” Almirola said. “So, the tiny broadcast booth he’ll share with Mike Joy and Clint Bowyer at the Coliseum will temporarily be known as the ‘Tide Pod.'”
10. Kyle Busch: Busch finished seventh at Martinville, as the remaining three Joe Gibbs Racing drivers struggled, all finishing 20th or worse.
“How about that post-Xfinity race brawl between Ty Gibbs and Sam Mayer?” Busch said. “I’ve been on both sides of that situation. I can relate to Ty’s feelings because I’ve been mad enough to take a swing at a fellow driver. I can relate to Sam’s predicament because I also have a punchable face.”