Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.
1. Kyle Larson: Larson charged early at Martinsville, and was into the top 10 by lap 20 after starting 19th. Larson surged again in the latter part of the race, holding off Joey Logano while leading.
“I was just in a hurry to get to Ryan Preece,” Larson said, “to see if he was for real after winning the pole and to get some payback for his treatment of me at Bristol. But as soon as I got near the front, he started dropping like a fly, proving that instead of running with the big dogs, he runs from them.”
2. Joey Logano: Logano started at the back of the field
“I have mostly fond memories of Martinsville,” Logano said, “and one not-so-fond memory. That’s thanks to Matt Kenseth. But I’ve mostly gotten over that situation, through therapy and positive imagery, in which I picture Matt Kenseth as himself, and I picture myself as Carl Edwards bullying him.”
3. Christopher Bell: Bell started 22nd and finished 16th in the NOCO 400.
“Every driver dreams of raising the grandfather clock trophy at Martinsville,” Bell said. “Now, Kyle Larson has his, and he’s won two of the last three races. He looks like the favorite to win the championship. Larson may have the clock, but everybody knows what time it is.”
4. William Byron: Byron finished 23rd in the NOCO 400 at Martinsville.
“Chase Elliott returned after missing the last six weeks recovering from a broken leg suffered while snowboarding,” Byron said. “Now, every time Chase vows to do something, he’ll hear the same three words from everyone at Hendrick: no, not ‘Break a leg.’ I’m talking about ‘Don’t go snowboarding.'”
5. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex finished third in the NOCO 400 at Martinsville.
“That’s my first top-five of the season,” Truex said. “Except for Christopher Bell, it’s been a pretty slow start for everybody at Joe Gibbs Racing. With Kyle Busch gone, I’d say Christopher is JGR’s top driver. The rest of us, we’re the B-team. In short, with Kyle gone, Christopher’s taken over the job of ‘A’-hole.”
6. Ross Chastain: Chastain led 31 laps and finished 13th at Martinville, and is second in the points standings, 13 behind Christopher Bell.
“I feel pretty good about finishing 13th,” Chastain said, “especially since I started the race 34th. So, much like Denny Hamlin’s championship-less career, I feel like I won the battle, even though I didn’t win the war.”
7. Ryan Blaney: Blaney finished seventh at Martinsville.
“It’s amazing that Chase Elliott was able to return so quickly after breaking his leg,” Blaney said. “Kudos to the doctors who performed the surgery. Heck, there’s no telling what kind of hardware Chase has in his leg. It’s the same thing NASCAR inspectors say about Hendrick cars.”
8. Kevin Harvick: Harvick won Stage 2 at Martinsville but faded late and came home 20th.
“We were in contention,” Harvick said, “but we blew that when I had to return to the pits to tighten a lug nut. Seeing your chances evaporate like that is tough to swallow and hard to digest, much like a famous Martinsville hot dog.”
9. Kyle Busch: Busch finished a disappointing 21st at Martinsville.
“To make things even more frustrating,” Busch said, “I had to deal with Corey LaJoie. Corey’s earned a reputation as a real douchebag in this sport. So, he’s like a less-talented, less-successful version of me.”
10. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin led 36 laps and finished 4th at Martinsville, posting his first top-five result of the season.
“I’m pleased,” Hamlin said, “but the real story here for me is Bubba Wallace bumping me during the race. Did he forget that I’m his team owner? Ironically, it was a totally ‘boss’ move by Bubba.”